Thursday, December 29, 2005
Ayye
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
rain
Haven't hit the gym in like 4 days. Too much rest time, feel like the body is wasting away. I need new protein shake. Shall check TSW asap, maybe they have xmas offer. I hope they do. But yesterday was quite good in the morning. Played soccer with Raihan and Adil at yishun. Very far and had to wake up super early too. But the game was good. I scored.
Something I recalled from Annur.
Teacher: What is a zebra, class?
Pre-schooler: (puzzled)....(long silence)....A horse wearing pyjamas.
Teacher: (equally puzzled).... Then what is a horse?
Pre-schooler: A naked zebra.
dumbstruck.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
SOLAT
wanna know how to let your innerself grow?
SOLAT brother, Solat! Solat is power, brother!
Friday, December 23, 2005
let your innerself groww
The Seed Exercise
Kneel on the ground. Then seat yourself on your heels and bend forward so that your head touches your knees. Stretch your arms behind you. You are now in a foetal position. Relax, releasing all your tensions. Breathe calmly and deeply. Little by little you will perceive that you are a tiny seed, cradled in the comfort of the earth. Everything around you is warm and delicious. You are in a deep, restful sleep.
Suddenly, a finger moves. The shoot no longer wants to be a seed; it wants to grow. Slowly you begin to raise your arms, and then your body will begin to rise, straightening up until you are seated on your heels. Now you begin to lift your body up, and slowly, slowly you will become erect, still kneeling on the ground.
The moment has come to break completely through the earth. You begin to rise slowly, placing one foot on the ground, then the other, fighting against the disequilibrium just as a shoot battles to make its own space, until finally you are standing . Imagine the area about you, the sun, the water, the wind, and the birds. Now you are a shoot that is beginning to grow. Slowly raise your arms toward the sky. Then stretch yourself more and more, more and more, as if you want to grasp the enormous sun that shines above you. Your body begins to become more and more rigid, all of your muscles strain, and you feel yourself to be growing, growing, growing - you become huge. The tension increases more and more until it becomes painful, unbearable. When you can no longer stand it, scream and open your eyes.
Repeat this exercise for seven consecutive days, always at the same time.
Look out for other exercises in the future.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
apa?
hahaha. Jau says it's only 16 days left, i.e: 2 weeks and 2 days before enlistment. Ayye.
Pavilion was a letdown. Lousy lousy, boo.
I want to swim. Maybe tomorrow.
And mats come on, we should do it this fri. Cannot delaydelay anymore man, coz ppl have to enter bmt soon, and... dunno. I will message. Last time from Ronald's house tak jadi. So this time mesti.
Rudy nak pergi cycling at ubin tomorrow. Haha. Don't want la. Vee
Thursday, December 15, 2005
pancit
My head is still spinning after today. But hey, we can still outplay the ngee ann boys, no problem.
This is a grand view of RJ at night, although "grand" is not a word i like.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
all things are one
I finished The Valkyries last night after watching SAW2, a wonderfully gory thriller with the mats. Paulo Coelho is brilliant, though his is something Mrs Albar wouldn't recommend reading back then in RI. Things like this, one should never say whether one has truly enjoyed it or explore the reasons that make one enjoys doing it. The joys all evaporate and will leave the person with an empty nothingness.
Meanwhile, Adz came back with the goodies. Kops is back too. And it's football time tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
some things money just can't buy
Saturday, December 10, 2005
iqra'
And Adzfar's coming back to Singapore from China this Sunday! And Ronald coming back from India this coming Friday! Haha maybe I should go to Malaysia and come back to Singapore too. Then we can complete the chinese-indian-malay threesome. Hahaha! Funny right? But it's not funny when you go there (Malaysia) for a holiday and a stupid bugger steals your MPV right in the middle of the resort carpark. Such unfortunate things do in fact happen, as it did to my dear friend Iylia. So for those of you thinking about going Savannah Cove in Johore, I suggest to you, don't! Unless your car is James Bond-ish, which then have to be of a breed similar to an Aston Martin, and can tranquilize the living daylights out of the evildoer, then by all means go ahead. If not, stay home lah. Singapore still fun what. You can exercise your ass off, maybe practise a little dancing these few days so you'll look hot for ZoukOut!
Friday, December 09, 2005
prom promises
Talk about amazing transformation (some not so amazing, others better left undescribed). Prom promises it all, and truly delivers. Guys typically come in suits, flared collared shirts and dragon-ball hairs. Girls come in all kind of dresses, some even in victorian brides and others in Jap anime-like costume.
Prom promises to truly let us make a fitting farewell to our happy-sad (mostly sad) jc lives. I made mine probably months ago.
Prom promises to cherish the friendship we make during our years in school. I know who my real friends are. Sometimes prom is just phony, it just kills me.
Prom promises promiscuity too. Now that they are finally out of school, they have even lesser inhibitions about what they do outside of school.
But these are all just opinions.
Here are some photos:
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
SATurday
Anyway, Mr Reporter was surprised to see so many people he had seen before. Surprised that so many people are also taking the same test as he is. For the record, Mr Reporter breezed through the arithmetic section but found the linguistic section a tad challenging. For 1 day's work, what can he expect, sia?
These are just some of the things that really annoyed Mr Reporter and friend today...
1) Disgruntled, obviously unprepared foreigners taking the test. Some were stretching non-stop to the point of irritating the friend. Some were just making constant yawns, obviously a spillover effect of nocturnal lifestyles. Some were attempting to make glances at other's answer sheets, showing the clear lack of preparation. Nonetheless, having others copying them is probably a first for Mr Reporter and pal, since they were never that smart to begin with anyway. (i.e: where got a manjen copy a mat in a test?) So this made them feel good in a way. :)
1.5) Not enough time to complete the essay. Many will agree to this.
2) The other mats who had their test elsewhere in the east, took 2 million years to arrive in town. In the end, these mats bought nothing at all. So Monday ya?
Monday, November 28, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Book Sale
Mr. Reporter had applied for an SPH journalism scholarship during the interim. Unfortunately for him (fortunately for us!), Mr. Reporter did not get past the written test round, the first hurdle. He must have been striked off the list of potential scholars. So now, he's happily back working for F.artMed, and not the government newspaper.
Knowing that most major exams in the country have already drawn curtains, or are just about to, F.artMed would like to lelong away all the books/notes/model answers/TYS that have accumulated in our workspace. So, if there's anyone interested, please do not hesitate to let us know, via the TagBoard.
List of sale items:
Textbooks:
1) A Levels Physics (4th Ed) by Roger Muncaster
2) A Levels Chemistry (4th Ed) by E.N.Ramsden
3) Comprehensive Physics for A Levels (Vol 1&2) - highly recommended, detailed explanation and some derivation of formula
TYS/Revision Guides:
1) A Level Physics Yearly Worked Solutions (Jun Nov, 2000-2004) - recommended
2) Physics Topical Worked Solutions 2002 Ed.
3) GCE A Level Physics TYS (1976-2004) - new and mostly unused
4) Study Guide for Your A Level Chemistry Ed 2.0 - highly recommended
5) Chemistry Topical Worked Solutions 2002 Ed.
6) Biology Topical Worked Solutions 2005 Ed. - recommended
7) GCE A Level Maths TYS (1976-2003)
8) GCE A Level Biology TYS (1976-2003)
9) Chemistry S Paper TYS compiled by RJC - strongly recommended, solutions are provided
10) Physics S Paper TYS compiled by RJC - strongly recommended, solutions are provided
F.artMed is looking forward to clearing stock soon. We are willing to do exchange for storybooks and novels.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna.
After a few months of digging in deep, digging myself out of the hole, it now comes to this. Must not let up. If thousands of others can do it, so can I, maybe even surpass them. There is no 2 ways about it, have to show power. Enough of near-misses, carelessness, this is do or die.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
boohoohoo
On a side note, F.artMed will resume normal service later in the year. Currently, our personnels are going through an self-upgrading course. Stay tuned!
Sunday, October 23, 2005
holy!
mr johari (he was playing soccer!eeps), ilman, makmur,adly rizal, junren, zhakai, dhinesh, iylia, adzfar, justin ho... wait theres somemore, i can't remember, errr ayye cant remember.
hmm in the dream i was comtemplating playing rugby in the army, ie for safsa. haha :p and i had a great idea what i can do with an easel as a stage prop! weird!
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Recruit Fairuz
Friday, October 07, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
1984
GAHH! i love 1984.
pardon me, i'm just discovering the joy of reading.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
dull, unimaginative, folly
a listless performance against benfica. shaky defence even with vandersar. strike force is expensive yet unproductive. players past their prime, like scholes. worse still, a manager past his expiry date. what's gonna happen to man utd this season?
"Maybe we should hand the title over to Chelsea now, and restart the league after that." Arsene Wenger.
Monday, September 26, 2005
what do we now?
in due time, it shall be Ramadhan.
in around 5 weeks' time, it shall be the A Levels. and of course, Hari Raya too! but what chance of a celebration do we have this year?
in around 8 weeks, maybe, there'll be freedom.
a few years back, the only thing about 'katrina' and 'rita' that we know of is that they are names of girls, and they can be heard in Mambo No.5. now, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake. the news today took a full 10mins at the start of its 30min programme, just to get all the 'bad news' over with. by 'bad news', i mean news about diseases, epidemics, natural disasters, wars, etc. all these merely point towards 1 thing: the end of the world.
it's been 3 years since i came up with a certain theory that a few of my close friends know about. i still think it's true. it's certainly one subject i would love to pursue sometime later in life, if, the world is to last that long.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
POP QUIZ F.artMed would like to ask which of these three creatures have the biggest testicles and why. Is it the gorilla, Man or the chimpanzee (arranged in order of the biggest animal to the smallest)? F.artMed took to the streets once again. Do make a guess before scrolling down. CharKway Teow Ah Pek at Ayer Rajah Hawker Centre. Reporter: So what's your pick? Ahpek: What testicle you talking about? Only sotong have testicles la. 8 testicles. Reporter: No. No. Those are not testicles. Ahpek: Correct la. Sotong, 8 testicles. Human no testicles. Monkey also no testicles. Reporter: No no. Humans and monkeys are primates, with 2 testicles each. The squid has 8 tentacles. Ahpek: Ah tentacles. Say clearly la. Humans have 2 tentacles right. And I see so many ci ko pek. So humans hor the sex drive is confirm high. So must be humans got biggest tentacles. Reporter: You mean testicles? Ahpek: Tentacles la, lampar. Reporter: I'm sorry. But you're wrong. Ahpek: Long? Yes correct also. Humans got the longest one also. Reporter: No no you're wrong. Ahpek: Oh yes I am. That's why my wife so happy. Come have some pig intestine soup, good for your sex drive. F.artMed decided to let the AhPek bask in his glory and left. While moving on in the MRT, F.artMed realised that the MRT train is getting very hot and stuffy. Last time, the only sliver of water on a passenger's face was drool. Now, it's sweat. And it's not just one passenger. Maybe it's just the weather. But F.artMed suggests to SMRT to just turn up the air con in the trains yeah! The answer to the Pop Quiz is the chimpanzee. The chimpanzee females are the most non-filial and most likely to stray. So the males, in order to ensure their genes and traits are passed on to future generations of chimps, need to ejaculate a lot and spread their seeds to as many females as possible. That's why, natural selection results in the preferred trait of the large testicles so that the fittest will survive and mate. Humans come in second, because the human female, aka women, are not as astray as chimps, but they are not very filial either. So men develop a sizeable testicle. I mean 2 testicles. Gorillas have loyal mates, so they in fact have the smallest testicle among the 3 primates. Mic Man: Welcome back Champions League. ~ |
Monday, September 12, 2005
F.artMed visited a school in central Singapore today, near Bishan, and realised JC2s were having prelims. So F.artMed waited outside the school hall and asked a few random people of their views on the paper, Maths, we believe. PRC Scholar: Shit la. I minus 1 mark. I should have used pen not pencil to write that thing. Another PRC Scholar: Don't ask me anything, I must mug Bio now. Yet another PRC Scholar: Choi don't come near me, or else my luck run away. I think I'm getting full marks. Eh better don't anyhow say. Some mat: F*** off. Just f*** off. Another mat: HAHAHAHA. Eh number 5 the answer is 2 ah? Ah whatever, I left it blank. HAHAHAHA. 4Fs, here I come. That's one in the bag...HAHAHAHA. Yet another mat: Shut up la idiot. I need to study Bio I don't want another F. Look at my Bio notes, so clean right? That's cos they are untouched, today's the first time I'm looking through it. Ok. Shut up understand. A group of mats: I think let's go home now. His Friend: But we have Bio after this. Mat: Ahhh no difference. Don't sit for test get zero, sit for test also get zero. Ciao. Ah F.artMed realised it's that time of the year again. EXAMS! Happy studying! And stop watching TV! |
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Kampung Glam
1. With a 79 year old Taxi Driver. Declined to be named. Known around Singapore only as Mabuk Singh.
Reporter: Hi. I see many taxi drivers here, is this place like a taxi stand?
Mabuk: Ayye, no la. We come here to drink. The drink, good and cheap. Somemore, not noisy. I cannot stand noises.
Reporter: Oh. What do you mean by drinks?
Mabuk: Ayye. Teh tarik...sedap*. Kopi panas*. Teh Halia. Teh Tiger...eh sorry don't have. That one only at my void deck, the neighbourhood mats.
Reporter: Is it crowded even at night?
Mabuk: Yes the sidewalk cafes especially. I love it, we park our taxis here, we sit over there. All my friends come here, especially for our night shifts.
Reporter: I see. So the caffeine helps you stay awake at night?
Mabuk: Nope. We just slack the night away, drinking teh and playing bridge. Hahahaha....
Reporter: But how do you earn like that?
Mabuk: I think it's better for my safety. I'm Mabuk, so it's not safe to drive with me at the steering wheels. HAHAHAHA! Come join us for teh now. (gestures at the owner)Man! Man! (pronounced Mon, as in monday) Kasi teh tarik dua cawan, gula lebih.*
Man (from behind the counter): Siap*...
Being typical Singaporeans, Mr Reporter and Mic Man did not refuse the free teh tarik for the night. This job has its perks man!
2. With a burly looking Arab Sheikh, who owns several cafes along the Baghdad Street/Arab Street Belt.
Sheikh: Ahlan Wasahlan. We know you were coming to interview us today. So we prepared this scrumptious meal just for you. Let's talk over dinner, or shall I say suppper supppper?
Reporter: Ahlalalalalan back. Sorry, not very good with Arab.
Sheikh: Come with us upstairs, special VIP room.
Mic Man: BOSS! Ni nabeh, take off your shoes la, you think your house is it? Cannot read signboard is it?
Reporter: Sorry Sorry, my mistake.
Sheikh: You see we provide a very different kind of atmosphere. So, you can chill and relax and just do whatever you want...
Mic Man: Whatever I want? (looking all excited, about to remove his trousers already)
Sheikh: Well, almost whatever you want but not that please. I cannot stand small packages. Unless you are well hung...Like me! HAHAHAHA (a hearty Arab laugh)
Reporter: So is this place the....(suddenly interrupted)
Sheikh: (gesturing to one of the waitress, a hot minah in a black jubah) Bring on the belly dancers!
3 girls walked onto the raised platform in the middle of the lush carpeted room, dancing to the likes of Amr Diab (not Raihan songs la, so wrong!). One of them looks a lot like the girl who acted as The Official's Wife in the Bukit Kenny Play held by some JC in the Bishan AMK district not too long ago.
Reporter: So Mr Sheikh, how do keep up with... (again, interrupted)
Sheikh: Bring out the house specialty Sheesha.
Reporter: SHEESH (exasperated).
Sheikh: No no, let me teach you. SHEESH-AA. Repeat after me, SHEESH-AA. Sheesha!
Reporter: I've never tried this before, so here goes.
Suddenly, after a few puffs of the Arabian water pipe and a scrumptious Yemeni meal, both Mr Reporter & Mic Man just fell into a deep deep daze. Mr Reporter could not remember anything when he woke up, at 530am, by the endearing Azan from Sultan Mosque. After early morning prayers, the team consolidated their report.
Mic Man: Eh Boss. What happen sia last night? I cannot remember anything liao.
Reporter: Me too, kinda strange isn't it. All I remember was I couldn't get anything from the horse's mouth.
Mic Man: What horse? Kampong Glam is not a kampung anymore, now no more horse. Boss are you sure you are ok? Want me to send you to hospital? Raffles Hospital nearby only hor...
Reporter: I mean, the Sheikh fella, kept giving us things, cannot even ask him how his profits are like these days...
Mic Man: Don't worry Boss, remember we always tape what we interview?
Reporter: Mic Man, you're a genius!
Mic Man: Thankew ah. Last time I went to RI hor, don't see me no up ok...
Reporter: Oh you did?
Mic Man: Just kidding. Ok sshhh let's listen...
Tape: .....shhshhshsh (blurry sounds)........ shhhshshshhh.... (some cricket sounds....plus owl sounds)....... AAahh! AAahh!YES! YES! AaaaH! OoooHHH! YES!........
Reporter: What the fu....
Mic Man: Oops sorry boss. I put in the wrong tape. That was my ren-dez-vez with my China mei-mei.
Reporter: Rendezvous la gondol*. Where's the correct tape?
Mic Man: Dunno, aiyah forget it Boss. Tonight we can go again. Kampong Glam is now glamourous what correct or not?
F.artMed really loves the place, Kampung Glam, and would recommend Singaporeans to venture there for a taste of Arab culture. Let's hope with the impending smoking bans in pubs and cafes, sheeshas will still be allowed. Ahhh...
mabuk - drunkard
sedap - delicious,yummy
panas - hot
kasi - give (me/us)
dua cawan - 2 glasses
gula lebih - more sugar
siap - ready
Thursday, September 01, 2005
1. In Bugis, near the new national library, we met an aspiring musician who goes by the name of 3dash1equals2 (3-1=2).
Reporter: Hi, care for an interview?
3-1=2: How's it hangin', dawg?
Reporter: What's hanging? You mean who's hanging who is it? I know.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: The police are hanging Took Leng How this very moment.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: Tell me, what are you doing with that guitar?
3-1=2: I am an aspiring musician. A f****** rocker. Here's my contact, (striking a rhythm) 3 to the 1 to the 2, that's me (flashes wide toothy grin).
Reporter: Wait a minute, you must be the winner of The Straight Times School of Rock competition! I'm so please to meet you.
Mic Man: Eh ah boy, my daughter wants your autograph hor.
Reporter: Since when you have a daughter Mic Man?
Mic Man: Aiyah, my China mei mei loves rock song la. I call her my Daughter Princess.
3-1=2: Dude. Dude. I am 3-1=2. Not 3-1. Those people don't deserve it. They can't even complete simple maths. Yet they are still in school. That's screwed up. I'm a dropout yet I know my maths.
Reporter: You're a dropout?
3-1=2: The damned journalists all tell me I'm not eligible. I'm still 17 man!
Reporter: Ain't that unfair or what?
3-1=2: Yeah that ain't gonna break me, dawg. I've decided I'm going to organize my own competition, the School DropOut of Rock Competition! Holler if ya hear me...! Straight Times, you can kiss my ass because I tak cebok*. Hahahahaha!
Reporter: I'm sure you didn't mean that.
3-1=2: Oh yes I do. You wanna try? Here (starts undoing his pants)...
Reporter: That's a WRAP!!!(runs for dear life)
Index: tak cebok - never wash backside
2. In the MRT heading towards the East. F.artMed met Zoe Tay and wanted to interview her, until this woman came up and had this to say:
Although Mic Man was getting hot and bothered and wanted to interview this woman instead, F.artMed was informed in Mandarin that Zoe Tay could neither understand nor speak any English, except when she is given a simple script to memorize for one month. So, F.artMed decided to search elsewhere.
3. In a Lan shop near King Albert Park, F.artMed saw a number of pale-skinned teenagers playing some noisy game.
Reporter: Assalamualaikum.
Mic Man: Boss you're an asshole la. These kids are chinese la, of course not Muslim!
A Chinese Boy (who looks more Indian, or Malay, or Eurasian, or dunno what rojak combination) walked past, and replied: "Waalaikumsalam. I'm Mikail, 2005 President's Scholar. Nice to meet you.") He walked out of the shop.
Reporter: (smug) See. I'm smart.
Mic Man: (pissed) Hurry up interview.
Reporter: Hi, are you a student?
Chinese Boy (CB) 1: Lan cheow KNN la. I'm playing here can't you see.
Reporter: What's that you're playing?
CB2: DotA! Now pack your shit and buzz off.
Reporter: Eh I recognize this badge and that uniform you're wearing inside out. That's China High right!
CB2: Oi Mister! Not so loud la. They don't allow students here at this time! Not 12pm yet, cannot come here actually you know.
Reporter: But I'm right aren't I?
CB1: Not China High la nabei. It's Hwa Chiong Institute. News Flash! We changed our name! Eh f*** la, you kill me for what!
CB2: Ya, you never read newspaper meh?
Reporter: Oh, how do you feel about the name change? Is it refreshing or exciting, or... what say you?
CB2: You know what's refreshing? You getting your stinking breath away from my face. And take that you bastard. Hiyak!
CB1: Aiya jibyela, Hwa Chiong la, Hwa Zhu la, Celest Chong la, I don't care. All I care about is go home, just finish homework, get A then I can lan some more. Jibye.
Reporter: I see. Don't you guys have lessons?
CB1: I ponn* cannot ah? I still get 6 points for O levels what.
CB2: Oi stupid is it? Now we got thru train la. Where got O Levels?
CB1: Oh yah hor. O Levels for stupid people, errr.... I mean not so smart people... Err I mean for average people. We are just a little bit smarter. Little bit. You didn't record that, did you?
Reporter: No. We censor all your expletives also. (nudges the Mic man, whispering: "Oi make sure you record everything they say, understand?")
Mic Man gaves the thumbs up signal.
Reporter: One last question guys, how's it like to be in a school comprising of mainly Chinese? And completely boys?
Mic Man: That's 2 questions Boss.
CB1: Even your assistant smarter than you.
CBoys: HAHAHAHAHA...(whispering) Must be he's from a neighbourhood school.
CB2: Anyway, back to the question. It's good what. The only thing I hate is that Friday cannot go home early, because no Mats in our class la.
CB1: Ya and every year also we must celebrate Moon Cake Festival.
CB2: And anyway, we don't care also, if got no girls in school. They girls nowadays ah, eee yer. PUI! (spits on the mousepad). Either ah lian or what, bohemian ah. What the f*** is bohemian you tell me? I don't understand ok! Boh my lan cheow la!
CB1: Did you read Uban* today? Uban says university not bad, got good looking chio bu also.
CB2: Aiyoh, you stupid is it? All the chio bus are in the international schools la. Uban talking nonsense again. That Dylan Puih. Talk rot king.
CB1: Yaya kan nah sai. OK, you still got question or not. If not, leave thank you.
Reporter: That'll do, thanks guys.
That'll do for today's edition of F.artMed.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
F.artMed to the rescue of a flailing career!
In a bid to save the sputtering career of England's not-so-favourite son Michael Owen, F.artMed decided to send in our sports team to hijack a Madrid training session to kidnap the lad and bring him over here to Singapore for some tough questioning. We sat down at a coffeshop at Jalan Kayu.
Reporter: Ola Michael. Speak any Spanish?
Owen: Si...
Reporter: I thought that's Italian?
Owen: Simi lan cheow!
Reporter: Alright, alright I know you're kinda pissed that we kidnapped you amidst all the transfer saga. But we didn't know you know Hokkien! Care to explain?
Owen: What do you think people like me do when my club Real Madrid goes on tours in the Far East? We sit on them benches and hear them Chinese supporters shouting what "JIBYE! KNN!" We sit, we learn.
Reporter: Ahh, no wonder you are always on the bench.
Owen: Excuse me?
Reporter: Err nothing. We heard you snubbed Everton and Newcastle. Why?
Owen: Because I can't play in the Champions League that's why. I am a champion and I only deserve to play for a champion team.
Reporter: Ok. So seeing clearly you've no future at Real Madrid, what are your plans, this being World Cup year and all?
Owen: This Vanderlei bastard is too much. Firstly I thought, okay just that fatty Ronnie and the captain Raul, big deal. I will get my chances. Then, suddenly he bring in 2 more of his Brazilians. I thought Good Lor...
Mic Man: Wah your boss is too much PUI! (spits). Who he think he is sia? Bring in people like gangster like that. Owen: Exactly my sentiments.
Reporter: You're England's first choice, but club fifth choice?
Owen: That's because Sven and I share a different kind of relationship.
Reporter: Care to elaborate?
Owen: At every England training, I am first to "come" and last to leave. You know why I'm first to "come"? Coz Sven makes me sit in his room and start my psychological prep, using whips feathers and all, to make me, all...wet.
Reporter: Oh God! As if the Faria Alam scandal was not enough.
Owen: Golden Balls however is Sven's favourite.
Reporter: Why?
Owen: Because his balls are absolutely golden! Sorry Becks I hope you are having fun doing Vanderlei's (chuckles).
Reporter: Alright, it's time to get serious.
Mic Man: Aww boss come on. I was just teaching Owen a few more Hokkien phrases for him to say in bed.
Reporter: Owen, we'd like you to meet....
Reporter: Mr Samm (not real name, identity is concealed, kidnappings are illegal activities)
Owen: Who the Fu...
Reporter: Please Michael, control yourself.
Mr Samm: Hi. I am the club director of Tampenis Rovers. I have a proposition for you (wipes off creamy white stain from his lips. It's ice cream la, what were you thinking!)
Owen: What's that?
Mr Samm: We'd like to sign you. We are champions of the Ass League. That's such a perfect match for you. We have potentially the hottest butts you can screw around with in this region.
Owen: Wow! That's really fresh. How come I've never heard about this?
Mr Samm: Have you heard about the Tiger Cup?
Owen: No.
Mr Samm: Why are you such a goondu? I tell you this. We guarantee you, you'll be a 50goals-a-season man here, your sexual desires will be fulfilled. Tampenis is also the champion so you, the champ, will play for the champion team.
Owen: Oh that's great! Where's the contract?
Mr Samm: What number would you like?
Owen: (emphatically) 69! 69!
Reporter: (confused) Err, why so big?
(Mic Man whispered something into Mr Reporter's ears)
Reporter: Ohh I see I see. Go ahead. Here's the contract papers Mr Samm.
After the signing ceremony, the crew, Owen and Mr Samm sped along the TPE to Tampenis Stadium, Owen's new homeground.
Owen: Why nobody is waving back when I'm waving at them? Don't they recognize me?
Owen: (shouting out of the window of the Hyundai at a group of Bengs) Hey you remember that f***ing goal against Argentina? It's me, Michael Owen.
Ah Bengs: Siao!
Mr Samm: It's ok Mikey, stop whining. I'll give you a dildo to play with. Here.
Owen looks like a happy kid all over again. The smile is back on his face.
Krring Krring. It's Owen's Semens mobile.
Owen: ....yeah Sven.... what tonight?..... no can't do... you're alone.....i'm really busy....Singapore has the best dildos in town by the way....i'll get one for you too before the Wales match....sorry hun.....Becks is free tonight, he can do you....
F.artMed believes today's assignment has been successful. As a result, Mr Reporter will get a pay rise, a seat in the Director's Box at Tampenis Stadium. Mic Man will get the weekend off to visit Geylang. Til next time.
Monday, August 29, 2005
JCs & Malays. They Don't Mix?
Reporter: Hi Guys, don't mind for an interview?
Arabs: Ya Hababi, i mean Ya Habibi. Ahlan Wasahlan. I tell you, velcome, velcome to our premiere school.
Reporter: Thanks, comments guys, what do you thi...
White Scarf: Vait a minute! How do you know that ve are guys? How you see through this veil Mr Reporter?
Reporter: (peering beneath the canteen table) Hairy legs.
White Scarf: Oops. You are right. I am male. But good guess anyway.
Reporter: As I was saying, what do you think is the reason for Malays to be so poorly represented in JCs?
Black Scarf: Don't even ask. I am still saddened by the death of our great King Fahd.
Reporter: Ooh who is that? Sounds like my company.
Black Scarf: How dare you insult zhis greatest king! How am I going to go zthrough zhis Ramadhan like zhis!
Reporter: Sorry Mr..Mr.. ah nevermind. So the reason is?
Red Scarf: Munnjens*. The stinking munjens. How else you think they are so vell-represented? I tell you, if not for my A Levels, I vould have started planning bombs I tell you.
Reporter: That would be too drastic, wouldn't it? I'm sure that's not the only reason.
(Meanwhile a hot office lady walks past the canteen table and there was a tremendous flutter in the lower abdomen region of the robes of these Arabs, with rapid synchronised chanting of Marha!Marha!)
Reporter: So what are other reasons?
Black Scarf: I zthink Malays are sloth! Lazy and cannot be bothered about zhis exams. In Arabia, we would get circumsized again if we fail zhis exams.
Reporter: My lord! Good heavens.
Red Scarf: Yes, Mr Reporter, stop stating the obvious. Heaven is of course good. But you can't go there, zhe heavens, can't even get a smell of it. You're not circumsized!
Reporter: But I am.
White Scarf: But zhere is no proof!
Reporter: (taking out his wallet) Here, my foreskin.
Red Scarf: Ah, my father can get you certified Halal.
White Scarf: You see, we study study study then pray pray pray to zhe Almighty. So, you get that extra luck.
Reporter: Oooh I see. Better remember to pray during church and stop looking at chio bu.
Black Scarf: Oh poor Mr Reporter, you can't pray in zhis school though. You see, zhis group of sahabats* we tried very very hard to get our principal to give us a room to pray. Sadly, our requests were turned down.
Reporter: Then what happened?
Red Scarf: We really tried very hard. Turned to many zifferent zifferent teachers. But nothing. So we know if we were to jihad, we would get caught and no more A Levels. So, we prayed in corners, outside zhe toilets...you know...
Reporter: Back to the question. How are we going to improve the turnover rate then? Getting more Malays into JCs...
White Scarf: We can't allow zhis bookshop to sell cigarettes. So option number 1, out.
(Suddenly a sudden pungent smell wafted across the table as a few white boys walked past our table, uniforms in disarray, then a sudden smell of mint mixed with deo)
White Scarf: The other option is to make the entrance exam easier.
Reporter: Oh, how so? You mean allowing people with a raw score of 21 points and above to enter?
Black Scarf: No you fool! Let zhem take zheir specialist subjects.
Red Scarf: Yes. 1) Football. 2) Minah. 3)Motorcycle. 4) Food. 5) Relacking one corner.
Reporter: Oh my gosh. Those aren't subjects!
Red Scarf: Oh yes, MOEdu now vants us to be "Zhinking schools, learning nation". Ve took chemistry and biology, with zhe Special paper in biochemistry vwarfare.
Mic Man: Boss, simi lan cheow. I kena mosquito bite already. Boss hurry leh. The New Paper say here got dengue wait I kena how?
Reporter: It seems to me that none of your solutions can work. Really. So there is no hope for Malays?
White Scarf: But zhere's still hope.
Reporter: How?
White Scarf: Like ZHIS! URGH!(shoving his hairy Arab palm into the Reporter's crotch, he started tingling sensations to cause arousal.)
Red Scarf: YA HOSSAM! WAH AL HASOD AFNMNA ASNMCC MIAD (exotic arab lingo, can't find translation)
A few minutes later, at the sick bay while receiving treatment,
Reporter: (half stuttering) Guys, one last question, h-how do you become inconspicuous dressing l-like that? F.artMed concluded that the interview had not been succesful in finding out the real causes for disparate representation of races. So, til the time Mr Reporter recovers, F.artMed will continue our unflinching research toward the betterment of society. Index |
An Interview with a young couple.
Worried about a recent startling statistic exposed during the NDP Rally, the news arm of Fairuz Art Media (F.artMed) went around Tampines (duh) to delve deeper into this social concern. 18% of Malay marriages that took place last year alone involved brides under the age of 21. Compare that to the Indians (9%) and Chinese(3%), we see why our community is constantly lagging in society. It's a tremendously vicious cycle. Most married out of wedlock, "to hide the shame" of teenage pregnancy. Who asked you to have pre-marital sex? Or even worse, forget to put on the sheath? This brings a friend of Peiqian to mind, who said, "You rub rub rub, sure got friction. I wear also no use." To laugh, or to cry? Ahhh, let's hear it from this Malay couple, who had decided to get married at the tender age of 18 2 years ago and now, they say they want to start a happy family together. They declined be named. Reporter:Assalamualaikum*. F.artMed spent the next half an hour cleaning up the puddle before retiring the day with Solat Duha at Ghufran. Index: |
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
ok i have something to write actually. "Selling alcohol to Muslims doesn't sound like a smart proposition. Never mind beer granules. Yet Gerhard Kamil, 45, is taking aim at the 53 million-gallon Middle Eastern malt-beverage market with a new product: malt granules that become a foaming, non-alcoholic beer by adding water. The Bavarian brewer is wooing soft-drink bottlers from Iraq to Indonesia with his "PlatoTec" process, which makes tiny, layered granules of malt at about $2 per lb. Tapping the non-alcoholic halal-beer and flavoured-malt-drink market positions GranMalt against Heineken's Fayrouz in Egypt and Carlsberg's Moussy in Saudi Arabia. But as consumption grows an estimated 6% annually over the next 5 years, exporting GranMalt gives Arab brewers an alternative to importing bottled beer or building a brewery, which is often met with political and cultural obstacles. Being nonalcoholic, it is not subject to the heavy tariffs of Muslim countries that allow imported alcohol, says Kamil." from Time Magazine September Bonus Issue. the headline of it says: Halal Beer? In the Bag. i wonder if this news makes all Muslim drinkers jump for joy. i think Muslims who drink should burn in hell. toodles~ |
Monday, August 22, 2005
must visit!
an excerpt from www.rockson.blogspot.com "I want to throw my beer at his laughing cheebye face already and then he said, anyway, actually the President is really choose by us. Really. I want to punch his arm liao but I forgot because behind him got one chio bu walk pass, wearing the front low low top, low until can see two half of her goodies and almost see her stomach liao. People is V neck, she is U neck, hahahahahaha!!! See already my horse sedia. And I later go to toilet to pee also damn toolan, keep shooting the wall and the sky. We are like this, see goodies liao will steam damn fast and forget our angry even faster." a truly hillarious masterpiece by a legendary ah beng called rockson takumi tan. hav a look~ |
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
whazzup
okay. what's up with the weather? it gets really warm then suddenly it looks like a scene from war of the worlds! I think my theory is right. this theory that i've had since sec 3. but no one ever believes in it. shall not disclose my theory here, coz i don't want to add to that list of non-believers. i just finished doing my self-evaluation, i want to pass it to miss jasmine tan tomorrow, hopefully i would get a flying testimonial. haha. i must must must cover as many topics per day. prelims is really here. so tata~ |
Monday, August 01, 2005
talibane
Monday, July 25, 2005
i luv sin city
Saturday, July 23, 2005
swimgym
how come malays can't swim well? weren't we the initial orang lauts? what happened to the selection pressure? i for one can't swim well. me iylia adz and jau had a simple swimming good fun at kopi's house, who joined us after his match. haha. i basically died. can't swim for nuts. need to work it man. and another thing, i haven't been pumping. last session was way back on tuesday. oh man, my vp2 needs to be worked on. time to get a killer bod. tomorrow i shall spare a little time off sleep to work out. just a good compact session. shoulders, back and possibly arms as well. if not happy, then maybe i should swim too. that sounds like a good plan. revision is in semi swing. which means i need to pull up my socks a lot more. yup. a case of literal translation my cousin getting married next weekend in kl. and my whole family is going. yay, a nice weekend break, plus maybe a little shopping escapade plus dips in the pool and gym. whoosh swoosh! tata~ |
Friday, July 22, 2005
sitiarabiabods
while maghrib is not yet here, i should type a little entry. a little entry about what has happened during the past week or so. coz i haven't been updating laa. highlight of the week? i have 2. no make that 3. 1. siti nurhaliza concert at the indoor stadium. poweful voice, doing the highs and lows all in sync with little sexy dance steps and really coming across as a genuinely sincere artiste. And a really beautiful person to top if off. superb. it was quite last minute for me coz initially only my parents were going coz they got 2 free tickets from my aunty. last minute, my aunty had more free tickets and i got one. haha. that would have been $140 if i had to fork out my own cash. i think i wanna marry siti nurhaliza. she's only 26, so i think can la. can right? can la... 2. arabian uniform on racial harmony day, matin adzfar and myself converted ourselves into arabs. complete with igals. really noone else was wearing anything close to what we had. i wonder who have our photos. it was hillarious hearing stories of how some j1 who were in the same toilet as us, ran out into the lt and told his friends he saw terrorists in the toilet. 3. new trunks just so hot i tell you |
i need to study. first, maghrib now. tata~
Sunday, July 17, 2005
sunday times
reading today's sunday times, the back page where they were showing that retro is in fashion these days, i have to agree with that guy who said that "today's designers are merely stylists" because it is true that the heady days of distinct fashion creations are behind us, the yesteryears. most of the so-called designers of today are mixing and matching what have already been designed in the past to make clothes that fit the present generation. truth be told, there is really nothing new about today's fashion. they have all been abstracted and modified, from the metal studded belts of punk rock groups to the hippie tree-huggers, today's fashion is mish-mash of yesterday's. and these things are fetching high prices too. don't you ever think that dated means cheap. dated is not outdated, as the prices will testify. maybe the teens of today just wanna try out what their parents used to wear in the past. boho chick? punk rock star? indie tees? you choose. clothing stores are peculiar i must say. when does 10% off already overpriced clothes equate to a great singapore sale? prices are ridiculous and simply not worth it (doesn't matter if the polo has a little horse on the left chest or not). the gss does not make their clothes more affordable. skyhigh prices for just a piece of cloth? only for rich arab sheikhs, whose pocket is as deep as their oil wells back home in arabia. last week's sunday times say: now, here's a look at one of summer must-haves. for singapore, this applies thruout the year. gucci aviator shades! for guys only. bring out the mirl in you. |
Saturday, July 16, 2005
accomplished
today i felt quite accomplished. for one, i haven't done any gym session since last saturday. so getting back the hang of things at the gym was a huge plus. plus the fact the vp2 has just arrived by singpost yesterday. it's not bad you know, this singpost delivery thing. it's only $3 more for delivery right to your doorstep. compared to self-collecting at braddell mrt, i think this is just more convenient (unless of course, you live in braddell or thereabout). the other thing that made me feel so accomplished was doing chem s term paper. that paper was really horribly overdue. it was meant for submission in term 2, but was extended to today. the thing was, me and my partner, rudy, were too forgetful that we only knew we had to do this paper on thursday. so being given only 1 day to complete this paper, on malonic ester synthesis (it's easy, just 4 steps: enolate anion formation by acid-base reaction, alkylation by an R-X, acidic hydrolysis and lastly decarboxylation), i tried asking for extension til monday. so today since we had this little bit of time after gym, we sat down to complete the paper in about 1.5 hours. wah the sensation of completing this task was immense i tell you. haha. hope it turns out alright. and i actually just came back from supper at a.b.mohamed restaurant in little india. egg prata and minute maid lemonade. now the stomach's satisfied and i can sleep peacefully. haha goodnite and tata~ |
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
sharapeeeeee
maria sharapova. russian blonde bombshell. last year's Wimbledon champ, semi-finalist this year. millionaire. model (sometimes). and best of all, 18. dude, that's like my age too. and she has done so many more things than me at her age. ahhh...what dreams are made of... anyway, i figured that if in any way, pork (or babi) is halal, can you imagine the kind of dishes we will have? how disgusting is this? maria sharapova and babi in the same entry. and i think rafflesians just dominated the pool scene this year. except for 'b'div boys. but the rest, i think it's a clean sweep. funny how we only caught the relays when we arrived this year. but bacillus thuringiensis saved the day for rjc 4by50m relay boys. yay to him, he's going to sea games what. time to have dinner now, gonna order the good stuff later. tata~ |