In a bid to save the sputtering career of England's not-so-favourite son Michael Owen, F.artMed decided to send in our sports team to hijack a Madrid training session to kidnap the lad and bring him over here to Singapore for some tough questioning. We sat down at a coffeshop at Jalan Kayu.
Reporter: Ola Michael. Speak any Spanish?
Owen: Si...
Reporter: I thought that's Italian?
Owen: Simi lan cheow!
Reporter: Alright, alright I know you're kinda pissed that we kidnapped you amidst all the transfer saga. But we didn't know you know Hokkien! Care to explain?
Owen: What do you think people like me do when my club Real Madrid goes on tours in the Far East? We sit on them benches and hear them Chinese supporters shouting what "JIBYE! KNN!" We sit, we learn.
Reporter: Ahh, no wonder you are always on the bench.
Owen: Excuse me?
Reporter: Err nothing. We heard you snubbed Everton and Newcastle. Why?
Owen: Because I can't play in the Champions League that's why. I am a champion and I only deserve to play for a champion team.
Reporter: Ok. So seeing clearly you've no future at Real Madrid, what are your plans, this being World Cup year and all?
Owen: This Vanderlei bastard is too much. Firstly I thought, okay just that fatty Ronnie and the captain Raul, big deal. I will get my chances. Then, suddenly he bring in 2 more of his Brazilians. I thought Good Lor...
Mic Man: Wah your boss is too much PUI! (spits). Who he think he is sia? Bring in people like gangster like that. Owen: Exactly my sentiments.
Reporter: You're England's first choice, but club fifth choice?
Owen: That's because Sven and I share a different kind of relationship.
Reporter: Care to elaborate?
Owen: At every England training, I am first to "come" and last to leave. You know why I'm first to "come"? Coz Sven makes me sit in his room and start my psychological prep, using whips feathers and all, to make me, all...wet.
Reporter: Oh God! As if the Faria Alam scandal was not enough.
Owen: Golden Balls however is Sven's favourite.
Reporter: Why?
Owen: Because his balls are absolutely golden! Sorry Becks I hope you are having fun doing Vanderlei's (chuckles).
Reporter: Alright, it's time to get serious.
Mic Man: Aww boss come on. I was just teaching Owen a few more Hokkien phrases for him to say in bed.
Reporter: Owen, we'd like you to meet....
Reporter: Mr Samm (not real name, identity is concealed, kidnappings are illegal activities)
Owen: Who the Fu...
Reporter: Please Michael, control yourself.
Mr Samm: Hi. I am the club director of Tampenis Rovers. I have a proposition for you (wipes off creamy white stain from his lips. It's ice cream la, what were you thinking!)
Owen: What's that?
Mr Samm: We'd like to sign you. We are champions of the Ass League. That's such a perfect match for you. We have potentially the hottest butts you can screw around with in this region.
Owen: Wow! That's really fresh. How come I've never heard about this?
Mr Samm: Have you heard about the Tiger Cup?
Owen: No.
Mr Samm: Why are you such a goondu? I tell you this. We guarantee you, you'll be a 50goals-a-season man here, your sexual desires will be fulfilled. Tampenis is also the champion so you, the champ, will play for the champion team.
Owen: Oh that's great! Where's the contract?
Mr Samm: What number would you like?
Owen: (emphatically) 69! 69!
Reporter: (confused) Err, why so big?
(Mic Man whispered something into Mr Reporter's ears)
Reporter: Ohh I see I see. Go ahead. Here's the contract papers Mr Samm.
After the signing ceremony, the crew, Owen and Mr Samm sped along the TPE to Tampenis Stadium, Owen's new homeground.
Owen: Why nobody is waving back when I'm waving at them? Don't they recognize me?
Owen: (shouting out of the window of the Hyundai at a group of Bengs) Hey you remember that f***ing goal against Argentina? It's me, Michael Owen.
Ah Bengs: Siao!
Mr Samm: It's ok Mikey, stop whining. I'll give you a dildo to play with. Here.
Owen looks like a happy kid all over again. The smile is back on his face.
Krring Krring. It's Owen's Semens mobile.
Owen: ....yeah Sven.... what tonight?..... no can't do... you're alone.....i'm really busy....Singapore has the best dildos in town by the way....i'll get one for you too before the Wales match....sorry hun.....Becks is free tonight, he can do you....
F.artMed believes today's assignment has been successful. As a result, Mr Reporter will get a pay rise, a seat in the Director's Box at Tampenis Stadium. Mic Man will get the weekend off to visit Geylang. Til next time.
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