1984

doublethink. newspeak. ingsoc. orthodoxy. thoughtcrime.

GAHH! i love 1984.

pardon me, i'm just discovering the joy of reading.

dull, unimaginative, folly

wake man utd up when september ends.

a listless performance against benfica. shaky defence even with vandersar. strike force is expensive yet unproductive. players past their prime, like scholes. worse still, a manager past his expiry date. what's gonna happen to man utd this season?



"Maybe we should hand the title over to Chelsea now, and restart the league after that." Arsene Wenger.

pejam celik pejam celik, it's already nearing the end of the year.

what do we now?

in due time, it shall be Ramadhan.

in around 5 weeks' time, it shall be the A Levels. and of course, Hari Raya too! but what chance of a celebration do we have this year?

in around 8 weeks, maybe, there'll be freedom.



a few years back, the only thing about 'katrina' and 'rita' that we know of is that they are names of girls, and they can be heard in Mambo No.5. now, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake. the news today took a full 10mins at the start of its 30min programme, just to get all the 'bad news' over with. by 'bad news', i mean news about diseases, epidemics, natural disasters, wars, etc. all these merely point towards 1 thing: the end of the world.



it's been 3 years since i came up with a certain theory that a few of my close friends know about. i still think it's true. it's certainly one subject i would love to pursue sometime later in life, if, the world is to last that long.

POP QUIZ F.artMed would like to ask which of these three creatures have the biggest testicles and why. Is it the gorilla, Man or the chimpanzee (arranged in order of the biggest animal to the smallest)? F.artMed took to the streets once again. Do make a guess before scrolling down. CharKway Teow Ah Pek at Ayer Rajah Hawker Centre. Reporter: So what's your pick? Ahpek: What testicle you talking about? Only sotong have testicles la. 8 testicles. Reporter: No. No. Those are not testicles. Ahpek: Correct la. Sotong, 8 testicles. Human no testicles. Monkey also no testicles. Reporter: No no. Humans and monkeys are primates, with 2 testicles each. The squid has 8 tentacles. Ahpek: Ah tentacles. Say clearly la. Humans have 2 tentacles right. And I see so many ci ko pek. So humans hor the sex drive is confirm high. So must be humans got biggest tentacles. Reporter: You mean testicles? Ahpek: Tentacles la, lampar. Reporter: I'm sorry. But you're wrong. Ahpek: Long? Yes correct also. Humans got the longest one also. Reporter: No no you're wrong. Ahpek: Oh yes I am. That's why my wife so happy. Come have some pig intestine soup, good for your sex drive. F.artMed decided to let the AhPek bask in his glory and left. While moving on in the MRT, F.artMed realised that the MRT train is getting very hot and stuffy. Last time, the only sliver of water on a passenger's face was drool. Now, it's sweat. And it's not just one passenger. Maybe it's just the weather. But F.artMed suggests to SMRT to just turn up the air con in the trains yeah! The answer to the Pop Quiz is the chimpanzee. The chimpanzee females are the most non-filial and most likely to stray. So the males, in order to ensure their genes and traits are passed on to future generations of chimps, need to ejaculate a lot and spread their seeds to as many females as possible. That's why, natural selection results in the preferred trait of the large testicles so that the fittest will survive and mate. Humans come in second, because the human female, aka women, are not as astray as chimps, but they are not very filial either. So men develop a sizeable testicle. I mean 2 testicles. Gorillas have loyal mates, so they in fact have the smallest testicle among the 3 primates. Mic Man: Welcome back Champions League. ~

F.artMed visited a school in central Singapore today, near Bishan, and realised JC2s were having prelims. So F.artMed waited outside the school hall and asked a few random people of their views on the paper, Maths, we believe. PRC Scholar: Shit la. I minus 1 mark. I should have used pen not pencil to write that thing. Another PRC Scholar: Don't ask me anything, I must mug Bio now. Yet another PRC Scholar: Choi don't come near me, or else my luck run away. I think I'm getting full marks. Eh better don't anyhow say. Some mat: F*** off. Just f*** off. Another mat: HAHAHAHA. Eh number 5 the answer is 2 ah? Ah whatever, I left it blank. HAHAHAHA. 4Fs, here I come. That's one in the bag...HAHAHAHA. Yet another mat: Shut up la idiot. I need to study Bio I don't want another F. Look at my Bio notes, so clean right? That's cos they are untouched, today's the first time I'm looking through it. Ok. Shut up understand. A group of mats: I think let's go home now. His Friend: But we have Bio after this. Mat: Ahhh no difference. Don't sit for test get zero, sit for test also get zero. Ciao. Ah F.artMed realised it's that time of the year again. EXAMS! Happy studying! And stop watching TV!

Kampung Glam

F.artMed researched about all the hype surrounding Kampung Glam. Yes yes, The Straight Times may have already come up with articles about this new hip hangout, but F.artMed decided that our team will dive straight in to talk with the people that put the GLAM back in Kampung Glam.


1. With a 79 year old Taxi Driver. Declined to be named. Known around Singapore only as Mabuk Singh.

Reporter: Hi. I see many taxi drivers here, is this place like a taxi stand?
Mabuk: Ayye, no la. We come here to drink. The drink, good and cheap. Somemore, not noisy. I cannot stand noises.
Reporter: Oh. What do you mean by drinks?
Mabuk: Ayye. Teh tarik...sedap*. Kopi panas*. Teh Halia. Teh Tiger...eh sorry don't have. That one only at my void deck, the neighbourhood mats.
Reporter: Is it crowded even at night?
Mabuk: Yes the sidewalk cafes especially. I love it, we park our taxis here, we sit over there. All my friends come here, especially for our night shifts.
Reporter: I see. So the caffeine helps you stay awake at night?
Mabuk: Nope. We just slack the night away, drinking teh and playing bridge. Hahahaha....
Reporter: But how do you earn like that?
Mabuk: I think it's better for my safety. I'm Mabuk, so it's not safe to drive with me at the steering wheels. HAHAHAHA! Come join us for teh now. (gestures at the owner)Man! Man! (pronounced Mon, as in monday) Kasi teh tarik dua cawan, gula lebih.*
Man (from behind the counter): Siap*...

Being typical Singaporeans, Mr Reporter and Mic Man did not refuse the free teh tarik for the night. This job has its perks man!

2. With a burly looking Arab Sheikh, who owns several cafes along the Baghdad Street/Arab Street Belt.

Sheikh: Ahlan Wasahlan. We know you were coming to interview us today. So we prepared this scrumptious meal just for you. Let's talk over dinner, or shall I say suppper supppper?
Reporter: Ahlalalalalan back. Sorry, not very good with Arab.
Sheikh: Come with us upstairs, special VIP room.
Mic Man: BOSS! Ni nabeh, take off your shoes la, you think your house is it? Cannot read signboard is it?
Reporter: Sorry Sorry, my mistake.
Sheikh: You see we provide a very different kind of atmosphere. So, you can chill and relax and just do whatever you want...
Mic Man: Whatever I want? (looking all excited, about to remove his trousers already)
Sheikh: Well, almost whatever you want but not that please. I cannot stand small packages. Unless you are well hung...Like me! HAHAHAHA (a hearty Arab laugh)
Reporter: So is this place the....(suddenly interrupted)
Sheikh: (gesturing to one of the waitress, a hot minah in a black jubah) Bring on the belly dancers!

3 girls walked onto the raised platform in the middle of the lush carpeted room, dancing to the likes of Amr Diab (not Raihan songs la, so wrong!). One of them looks a lot like the girl who acted as The Official's Wife in the Bukit Kenny Play held by some JC in the Bishan AMK district not too long ago.

Reporter: So Mr Sheikh, how do keep up with... (again, interrupted)
Sheikh: Bring out the house specialty Sheesha.
Reporter: SHEESH (exasperated).
Sheikh: No no, let me teach you. SHEESH-AA. Repeat after me, SHEESH-AA. Sheesha!
Reporter: I've never tried this before, so here goes.

Suddenly, after a few puffs of the Arabian water pipe and a scrumptious Yemeni meal, both Mr Reporter & Mic Man just fell into a deep deep daze. Mr Reporter could not remember anything when he woke up, at 530am, by the endearing Azan from Sultan Mosque. After early morning prayers, the team consolidated their report.

Mic Man: Eh Boss. What happen sia last night? I cannot remember anything liao.
Reporter: Me too, kinda strange isn't it. All I remember was I couldn't get anything from the horse's mouth.
Mic Man: What horse? Kampong Glam is not a kampung anymore, now no more horse. Boss are you sure you are ok? Want me to send you to hospital? Raffles Hospital nearby only hor...
Reporter: I mean, the Sheikh fella, kept giving us things, cannot even ask him how his profits are like these days...
Mic Man: Don't worry Boss, remember we always tape what we interview?
Reporter: Mic Man, you're a genius!
Mic Man: Thankew ah. Last time I went to RI hor, don't see me no up ok...
Reporter: Oh you did?
Mic Man: Just kidding. Ok sshhh let's listen...

Tape: .....shhshhshsh (blurry sounds)........ shhhshshshhh.... (some cricket sounds....plus owl sounds)....... AAahh! AAahh!YES! YES! AaaaH! OoooHHH! YES!........

Reporter: What the fu....
Mic Man: Oops sorry boss. I put in the wrong tape. That was my ren-dez-vez with my China mei-mei.
Reporter: Rendezvous la gondol*. Where's the correct tape?
Mic Man: Dunno, aiyah forget it Boss. Tonight we can go again. Kampong Glam is now glamourous what correct or not?


F.artMed really loves the place, Kampung Glam, and would recommend Singaporeans to venture there for a taste of Arab culture. Let's hope with the impending smoking bans in pubs and cafes, sheeshas will still be allowed. Ahhh...

Index
mabuk - drunkard
sedap - delicious,yummy
panas - hot
kasi - give (me/us)
dua cawan - 2 glasses
gula lebih - more sugar
siap - ready

gondol - botak-head, usually means stupid

F.artMed decided to have it free and easy today. No fuss no frills. Just a random walkabout around the island to meet random people and really get into the masses. So here are a few picks for the daily dish:

1. In Bugis, near the new national library, we met an aspiring musician who goes by the name of 3dash1equals2 (3-1=2).






Reporter: Hi, care for an interview?
3-1=2: How's it hangin', dawg?
Reporter: What's hanging? You mean who's hanging who is it? I know.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: The police are hanging Took Leng How this very moment.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: Tell me, what are you doing with that guitar?
3-1=2: I am an aspiring musician. A f****** rocker. Here's my contact, (striking a rhythm) 3 to the 1 to the 2, that's me (flashes wide toothy grin).
Reporter: Wait a minute, you must be the winner of The Straight Times School of Rock competition! I'm so please to meet you.
Mic Man: Eh ah boy, my daughter wants your autograph hor.
Reporter: Since when you have a daughter Mic Man?
Mic Man: Aiyah, my China mei mei loves rock song la. I call her my Daughter Princess.
3-1=2: Dude. Dude. I am 3-1=2. Not 3-1. Those people don't deserve it. They can't even complete simple maths. Yet they are still in school. That's screwed up. I'm a dropout yet I know my maths.
Reporter: You're a dropout?
3-1=2: The damned journalists all tell me I'm not eligible. I'm still 17 man!
Reporter: Ain't that unfair or what?
3-1=2: Yeah that ain't gonna break me, dawg. I've decided I'm going to organize my own competition, the School DropOut of Rock Competition! Holler if ya hear me...! Straight Times, you can kiss my ass because I tak cebok*. Hahahahaha!
Reporter: I'm sure you didn't mean that.
3-1=2: Oh yes I do. You wanna try? Here (starts undoing his pants)...
Reporter: That's a WRAP!!!(runs for dear life)

Index: tak cebok - never wash backside

2. In the MRT heading towards the East. F.artMed met Zoe Tay and wanted to interview her, until this woman came up and had this to say:






Although Mic Man was getting hot and bothered and wanted to interview this woman instead, F.artMed was informed in Mandarin that Zoe Tay could neither understand nor speak any English, except when she is given a simple script to memorize for one month. So, F.artMed decided to search elsewhere.



3. In a Lan shop near King Albert Park, F.artMed saw a number of pale-skinned teenagers playing some noisy game.

Reporter: Assalamualaikum.
Mic Man: Boss you're an asshole la. These kids are chinese la, of course not Muslim!

A Chinese Boy (who looks more Indian, or Malay, or Eurasian, or dunno what rojak combination) walked past, and replied: "Waalaikumsalam. I'm Mikail, 2005 President's Scholar. Nice to meet you.") He walked out of the shop.

Reporter: (smug) See. I'm smart.
Mic Man: (pissed) Hurry up interview.
Reporter: Hi, are you a student?
Chinese Boy (CB) 1: Lan cheow KNN la. I'm playing here can't you see.
Reporter: What's that you're playing?
CB2: DotA! Now pack your shit and buzz off.
Reporter: Eh I recognize this badge and that uniform you're wearing inside out. That's China High right!
CB2: Oi Mister! Not so loud la. They don't allow students here at this time! Not 12pm yet, cannot come here actually you know.
Reporter: But I'm right aren't I?
CB1: Not China High la nabei. It's Hwa Chiong Institute. News Flash! We changed our name! Eh f*** la, you kill me for what!
CB2: Ya, you never read newspaper meh?
Reporter: Oh, how do you feel about the name change? Is it refreshing or exciting, or... what say you?
CB2: You know what's refreshing? You getting your stinking breath away from my face. And take that you bastard. Hiyak!
CB1: Aiya jibyela, Hwa Chiong la, Hwa Zhu la, Celest Chong la, I don't care. All I care about is go home, just finish homework, get A then I can lan some more. Jibye.
Reporter: I see. Don't you guys have lessons?
CB1: I ponn* cannot ah? I still get 6 points for O levels what.
CB2: Oi stupid is it? Now we got thru train la. Where got O Levels?
CB1: Oh yah hor. O Levels for stupid people, errr.... I mean not so smart people... Err I mean for average people. We are just a little bit smarter. Little bit. You didn't record that, did you?
Reporter: No. We censor all your expletives also. (nudges the Mic man, whispering: "Oi make sure you record everything they say, understand?")

Mic Man gaves the thumbs up signal.
Reporter: One last question guys, how's it like to be in a school comprising of mainly Chinese? And completely boys?
Mic Man: That's 2 questions Boss.
CB1: Even your assistant smarter than you.
CBoys: HAHAHAHAHA...(whispering) Must be he's from a neighbourhood school.
CB2: Anyway, back to the question. It's good what. The only thing I hate is that Friday cannot go home early, because no Mats in our class la.
CB1: Ya and every year also we must celebrate Moon Cake Festival.
CB2: And anyway, we don't care also, if got no girls in school. They girls nowadays ah, eee yer. PUI! (spits on the mousepad). Either ah lian or what, bohemian ah. What the f*** is bohemian you tell me? I don't understand ok! Boh my lan cheow la!
CB1: Did you read Uban* today? Uban says university not bad, got good looking chio bu also.
CB2: Aiyoh, you stupid is it? All the chio bus are in the international schools la. Uban talking nonsense again. That Dylan Puih. Talk rot king.
CB1: Yaya kan nah sai. OK, you still got question or not. If not, leave thank you.
Reporter: That'll do, thanks guys.

Index: Uban - (Urban) but uban means white hair in Malay

That'll do for today's edition of F.artMed.