F.artMed to the rescue of a flailing career!

In a bid to save the sputtering career of England's not-so-favourite son Michael Owen, F.artMed decided to send in our sports team to hijack a Madrid training session to kidnap the lad and bring him over here to Singapore for some tough questioning. We sat down at a coffeshop at Jalan Kayu.

Reporter: Ola Michael. Speak any Spanish?
Owen: Si...
Reporter: I thought that's Italian?
Owen: Simi lan cheow!
Reporter: Alright, alright I know you're kinda pissed that we kidnapped you amidst all the transfer saga. But we didn't know you know Hokkien! Care to explain?
Owen: What do you think people like me do when my club Real Madrid goes on tours in the Far East? We sit on them benches and hear them Chinese supporters shouting what "JIBYE! KNN!" We sit, we learn.
Reporter: Ahh, no wonder you are always on the bench.
Owen: Excuse me?
Reporter: Err nothing. We heard you snubbed Everton and Newcastle. Why?
Owen: Because I can't play in the Champions League that's why. I am a champion and I only deserve to play for a champion team.
Reporter: Ok. So seeing clearly you've no future at Real Madrid, what are your plans, this being World Cup year and all?
Owen: This Vanderlei bastard is too much. Firstly I thought, okay just that fatty Ronnie and the captain Raul, big deal. I will get my chances. Then, suddenly he bring in 2 more of his Brazilians. I thought Good Lor...
Mic Man: Wah your boss is too much PUI! (spits). Who he think he is sia? Bring in people like gangster like that. Owen: Exactly my sentiments.
Reporter: You're England's first choice, but club fifth choice?
Owen: That's because Sven and I share a different kind of relationship.
Reporter: Care to elaborate?
Owen: At every England training, I am first to "come" and last to leave. You know why I'm first to "come"? Coz Sven makes me sit in his room and start my psychological prep, using whips feathers and all, to make me, all...wet.
Reporter: Oh God! As if the Faria Alam scandal was not enough.
Owen: Golden Balls however is Sven's favourite.
Reporter: Why?
Owen: Because his balls are absolutely golden! Sorry Becks I hope you are having fun doing Vanderlei's (chuckles).
Reporter: Alright, it's time to get serious.
Mic Man: Aww boss come on. I was just teaching Owen a few more Hokkien phrases for him to say in bed.
Reporter: Owen, we'd like you to meet....

Reporter: Mr Samm (not real name, identity is concealed, kidnappings are illegal activities)
Owen: Who the Fu...
Reporter: Please Michael, control yourself.
Mr Samm: Hi. I am the club director of Tampenis Rovers. I have a proposition for you (wipes off creamy white stain from his lips. It's ice cream la, what were you thinking!)
Owen: What's that?
Mr Samm: We'd like to sign you. We are champions of the Ass League. That's such a perfect match for you. We have potentially the hottest butts you can screw around with in this region.
Owen: Wow! That's really fresh. How come I've never heard about this?
Mr Samm: Have you heard about the Tiger Cup?
Owen: No.
Mr Samm: Why are you such a goondu? I tell you this. We guarantee you, you'll be a 50goals-a-season man here, your sexual desires will be fulfilled. Tampenis is also the champion so you, the champ, will play for the champion team.
Owen: Oh that's great! Where's the contract?
Mr Samm: What number would you like?
Owen: (emphatically) 69! 69!
Reporter: (confused) Err, why so big?
(Mic Man whispered something into Mr Reporter's ears)
Reporter: Ohh I see I see. Go ahead. Here's the contract papers Mr Samm.

After the signing ceremony, the crew, Owen and Mr Samm sped along the TPE to Tampenis Stadium, Owen's new homeground.

Owen: Why nobody is waving back when I'm waving at them? Don't they recognize me?
Owen: (shouting out of the window of the Hyundai at a group of Bengs) Hey you remember that f***ing goal against Argentina? It's me, Michael Owen.
Ah Bengs: Siao!
Mr Samm: It's ok Mikey, stop whining. I'll give you a dildo to play with. Here.


Owen looks like a happy kid all over again. The smile is back on his face.


Krring Krring. It's Owen's Semens mobile.
Owen: ....yeah Sven.... what tonight?..... no can't do... you're alone.....i'm really busy....Singapore has the best dildos in town by the way....i'll get one for you too before the Wales match....sorry hun.....Becks is free tonight, he can do you....


F.artMed believes today's assignment has been successful. As a result, Mr Reporter will get a pay rise, a seat in the Director's Box at Tampenis Stadium. Mic Man will get the weekend off to visit Geylang. Til next time.

JCs & Malays. They Don't Mix?

F.artMed did our own research and discovered that huge difference in racial representation at the JC level. Thus, we sent our team to a premiere school in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio district to find out their views. Here's what we found:






Reporter: Hi Guys, don't mind for an interview?
Arabs: Ya Hababi, i mean Ya Habibi. Ahlan Wasahlan. I tell you, velcome, velcome to our premiere school.
Reporter: Thanks, comments guys, what do you thi...
White Scarf: Vait a minute! How do you know that ve are guys? How you see through this veil Mr Reporter?
Reporter: (peering beneath the canteen table) Hairy legs.
White Scarf: Oops. You are right. I am male. But good guess anyway.
Reporter: As I was saying, what do you think is the reason for Malays to be so poorly represented in JCs?
Black Scarf: Don't even ask. I am still saddened by the death of our great King Fahd.
Reporter: Ooh who is that? Sounds like my company.
Black Scarf: How dare you insult zhis greatest king! How am I going to go zthrough zhis Ramadhan like zhis!
Reporter: Sorry Mr..Mr.. ah nevermind. So the reason is?
Red Scarf: Munnjens*. The stinking munjens. How else you think they are so vell-represented? I tell you, if not for my A Levels, I vould have started planning bombs I tell you.
Reporter: That would be too drastic, wouldn't it? I'm sure that's not the only reason.

(Meanwhile a hot office lady walks past the canteen table and there was a tremendous flutter in the lower abdomen region of the robes of these Arabs, with rapid synchronised chanting of Marha!Marha!)

Reporter: So what are other reasons?
Black Scarf: I zthink Malays are sloth! Lazy and cannot be bothered about zhis exams. In Arabia, we would get circumsized again if we fail zhis exams.
Reporter: My lord! Good heavens.
Red Scarf: Yes, Mr Reporter, stop stating the obvious. Heaven is of course good. But you can't go there, zhe heavens, can't even get a smell of it. You're not circumsized!
Reporter: But I am.
White Scarf: But zhere is no proof!
Reporter: (taking out his wallet) Here, my foreskin.
Red Scarf: Ah, my father can get you certified Halal.
White Scarf: You see, we study study study then pray pray pray to zhe Almighty. So, you get that extra luck.
Reporter: Oooh I see. Better remember to pray during church and stop looking at chio bu.
Black Scarf: Oh poor Mr Reporter, you can't pray in zhis school though. You see, zhis group of sahabats* we tried very very hard to get our principal to give us a room to pray. Sadly, our requests were turned down.
Reporter: Then what happened?
Red Scarf: We really tried very hard. Turned to many zifferent zifferent teachers. But nothing. So we know if we were to jihad, we would get caught and no more A Levels. So, we prayed in corners, outside zhe toilets...you know...
Reporter: Back to the question. How are we going to improve the turnover rate then? Getting more Malays into JCs...
White Scarf: We can't allow zhis bookshop to sell cigarettes. So option number 1, out.

(Suddenly a sudden pungent smell wafted across the table as a few white boys walked past our table, uniforms in disarray, then a sudden smell of mint mixed with deo)

White Scarf: The other option is to make the entrance exam easier.
Reporter: Oh, how so? You mean allowing people with a raw score of 21 points and above to enter?
Black Scarf: No you fool! Let zhem take zheir specialist subjects.
Red Scarf: Yes. 1) Football. 2) Minah. 3)Motorcycle. 4) Food. 5) Relacking one corner.
Reporter: Oh my gosh. Those aren't subjects!
Red Scarf: Oh yes, MOEdu now vants us to be "Zhinking schools, learning nation". Ve took chemistry and biology, with zhe Special paper in biochemistry vwarfare.
Mic Man: Boss, simi lan cheow. I kena mosquito bite already. Boss hurry leh. The New Paper say here got dengue wait I kena how?
Reporter: It seems to me that none of your solutions can work. Really. So there is no hope for Malays?
White Scarf: But zhere's still hope.
Reporter: How?
White Scarf: Like ZHIS! URGH!(shoving his hairy Arab palm into the Reporter's crotch, he started tingling sensations to cause arousal.)
Red Scarf: YA HOSSAM! WAH AL HASOD AFNMNA ASNMCC MIAD (exotic arab lingo, can't find translation)

A few minutes later, at the sick bay while receiving treatment,

Reporter: (half stuttering) Guys, one last question, h-how do you become inconspicuous dressing l-like that? Mic Man: Boss enough question leh. I very tired hor. One hand must hold this mic. The other hand now I must hold your "mic", you think your mic smell very nice ah. Reporter: Shut up. Finishing already la, stop complaining or I'll tell Upstairs Boss you went to Geylang again. Mic Man: Wah CCB. Lan Cheow hurry up la. Red Scarf: Ve don't. Ve embrace Islam. Ve cover al-aurat*! Girls in Islam, ve shall see more tudungs* next year even in school. Do you understand me? Reporter: Errr, I'm not quite sure I do. White Scarf: Let me make you undersztand vhite boy. See zhis finger. Let me shove it up your ass! F.artMed concluded that the interview had not been succesful in finding out the real causes for disparate representation of races. So, til the time Mr Reporter recovers, F.artMed will continue our unflinching research toward the betterment of society. Index sahabat - friend aurat - the portion of the body that requires cover according to Islamic rule tudung - headscarf, but a bit different from the one in the insert munjen - chinese

An Interview with a young couple.

Worried about a recent startling statistic exposed during the NDP Rally, the news arm of Fairuz Art Media (F.artMed) went around Tampines (duh) to delve deeper into this social concern. 18% of Malay marriages that took place last year alone involved brides under the age of 21. Compare that to the Indians (9%) and Chinese(3%), we see why our community is constantly lagging in society. It's a tremendously vicious cycle. Most married out of wedlock, "to hide the shame" of teenage pregnancy. Who asked you to have pre-marital sex? Or even worse, forget to put on the sheath? This brings a friend of Peiqian to mind, who said, "You rub rub rub, sure got friction. I wear also no use." To laugh, or to cry? Ahhh, let's hear it from this Malay couple, who had decided to get married at the tender age of 18 2 years ago and now, they say they want to start a happy family together. They declined be named. Reporter:Assalamualaikum*. Aminah (not her real name, more affectionately known as Minah): Apa tu? What in the world is ass-lala-masala-lalalakum? (stops breastfeeding her third kid, still a baby, took a napkin to wipe something off her chest). Oh anyway, how are you? Reporter: Oh i'm fine thank you. Really would like to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. Bob (gang name, cannot give real name if not teacher will know): Alah no problem beb. Wa caya sama lu. Anyway, what you want to know sia? (takes out a pack of Marlboro) Eh Mr Reporter, you got lighter not? Don't mind ah, I need to detox la. Reporter: Sure sure go ahead. Okay, firstly, why did you get married so young? Minah: Oh because he's so hemsem* and we really fell in love. Love at first sight la (UWAAAA!!! the baby started crying) Also, because you know one day,.... (Minah & Bob looked at each other, something not about right).... Reporter: Is there something wrong? Bob: Oh no no. Look, the real reason we sangkut* is because you know we... we...apa tu Minah... Reporter: Had intercourse? Minah: No la, Bob not very smart, cannot even go poly, how to take course? We had sex la. Reporter: How did this happen? Minah: I told him la that Friday afternoon, go for Friday Prayers la. Why so degil* don't want? Then this Bob, 1255pm already, Ghufran (the mosque in Tampines) almost full already can see from our flat somemore. But he went downstairs for a while. I thought he went for prayers la. Reporter: Then? Minah: Wah when I talk about sex you very interested ah. Bob: Actually I went downstairs to buy beer la. At home, supply finish. I bought a six-can pack. Should have bought lighter also then no need borrow from you. So i went up and made Minah drunk. She's good man, only after 4 cans then she cannot take it. So i took off her school uniform and started playing hero. Reporter: Did your parents know at all about the relationsip? Minah: Both my parents are dead. (her face contorted, as if trying very hard to cry, but after 2 minutes, still no tears). Bob: They don't know la of course. But my mak* very fed up with my bapak*. Of course la, he every weekend also go Batam, each week different woman he tell me. He says going to Batam is like eating takeaway, once you are done you throw away. So my mak and bapak bo chap about me. Reporter: Hey stop touching my balls you gondol*! Oops, sorry that was not recorded right? Mic Man: No la KNN hurry up i can't hold this mic anymore, I need to pee. Reporter: Okay, we're running short of time, I need to piss also because your Mini Mat* here keep touching my balls. So briefly, please, any advice for teenagers out there? Minah: Okay, number 1 eh, must always find a job. For me, once I trim down a bit more with my jamu*, then I will go back to my job. Reporter: Which is... Minah: S-League Cheerleader. Go Geylang! Eagles soar high high hii-i-i-i-i-ii-i-igh! (breaks into a cheerleading routine, accidentally dropping her baby to the floor). Bob: For myself, I vow to quit smoking and find a stable income. I am an S-League footballer. Paya Lebar Punggol. Nowadays very bad ah, every game kena hentam*. But you wait Alam Shah, I show you whose balls are bigger okay. Reporter: Aaahh, life is not so gloomy after all. Eh (sniff-sniff), what's that smell?! Mic Man: Boss sorry boss I really cannot tahan anymore!!! I accidentally ngompol*. F.artMed spent the next half an hour cleaning up the puddle before retiring the day with Solat Duha at Ghufran. Index: Assalamualaikum - peace be upon you. beb - babe, friend wa caya sama lu - i trust you sangkut - got attached apa tu/apa itu - what's that degil - stubborn mak - mother bapak - father gondol - botak boy mini mat - small malay boy (not econ) jamu - traditional Malay herbs kena hentam - receive a whacking ngompol - to pee in bed, but can apply also la

travis sang 'flowers in the window'. here's 2S03B's flowers in the window, all bright and young and awaiting the blooming season. watch out world, here we come!

ok i have something to write actually. "Selling alcohol to Muslims doesn't sound like a smart proposition. Never mind beer granules. Yet Gerhard Kamil, 45, is taking aim at the 53 million-gallon Middle Eastern malt-beverage market with a new product: malt granules that become a foaming, non-alcoholic beer by adding water. The Bavarian brewer is wooing soft-drink bottlers from Iraq to Indonesia with his "PlatoTec" process, which makes tiny, layered granules of malt at about $2 per lb. Tapping the non-alcoholic halal-beer and flavoured-malt-drink market positions GranMalt against Heineken's Fayrouz in Egypt and Carlsberg's Moussy in Saudi Arabia. But as consumption grows an estimated 6% annually over the next 5 years, exporting GranMalt gives Arab brewers an alternative to importing bottled beer or building a brewery, which is often met with political and cultural obstacles. Being nonalcoholic, it is not subject to the heavy tariffs of Muslim countries that allow imported alcohol, says Kamil." from Time Magazine September Bonus Issue. the headline of it says: Halal Beer? In the Bag. i wonder if this news makes all Muslim drinkers jump for joy. i think Muslims who drink should burn in hell. toodles~

i have nothing to write or talk about.

must visit!

an excerpt from www.rockson.blogspot.com "I want to throw my beer at his laughing cheebye face already and then he said, anyway, actually the President is really choose by us. Really. I dowan to waste my beer, so I drink it and say why you say that? Raymond said, See ah, ok, who choose the president one? I said, Selecting President Society! Then Raymond said, Who choose the Selecting President Society one? I said, Gahmen lah, cheebye! Then Raymond said, Who choose the Gahmen one?I look at him and stone for a while.Then Raymond laugh and said, Ahhhhhhh, we fuckers lor. So we elected the President lah! Hahahahaha!!!! I want to punch his arm liao but I forgot because behind him got one chio bu walk pass, wearing the front low low top, low until can see two half of her goodies and almost see her stomach liao. People is V neck, she is U neck, hahahahahaha!!! See already my horse sedia. And I later go to toilet to pee also damn toolan, keep shooting the wall and the sky. We are like this, see goodies liao will steam damn fast and forget our angry even faster." a truly hillarious masterpiece by a legendary ah beng called rockson takumi tan. hav a look~

clearly pancit

testimonial match. fun to finally get to play again. but gosh, need to run more to cut down on fat belly

matin ronald adzfar and me in the crib

racial harmony day 2005

whazzup

okay. what's up with the weather? it gets really warm then suddenly it looks like a scene from war of the worlds! I think my theory is right. this theory that i've had since sec 3. but no one ever believes in it. shall not disclose my theory here, coz i don't want to add to that list of non-believers. i just finished doing my self-evaluation, i want to pass it to miss jasmine tan tomorrow, hopefully i would get a flying testimonial. haha. i must must must cover as many topics per day. prelims is really here. so tata~

talibane

taliban act. this is not me. this is somebody else in school. but on racial harmony day this year, this was somewhat what we were wearing.