To this, a feast at Mr JO's house. That's Isabella his niece. Pity Rudy and Kopi and Fazly weren't there.

From Grad Dinner 2003 at Marriott...

First stop Aisyah's house. Hearty conversation with her dad, our friend. Abang looks like he's all set for camp.

This year Hari Raya never did start for us. Even though it's nearing the end of Syawal, it's still not too late for visiting. The only coloured one in this pic has not even finished his papers. Good luck for Econs S mat :)

Book Sale

F.artMed returns today.
Mr. Reporter had applied for an SPH journalism scholarship during the interim. Unfortunately for him (fortunately for us!), Mr. Reporter did not get past the written test round, the first hurdle. He must have been striked off the list of potential scholars. So now, he's happily back working for F.artMed, and not the government newspaper.

Knowing that most major exams in the country have already drawn curtains, or are just about to, F.artMed would like to lelong away all the books/notes/model answers/TYS that have accumulated in our workspace. So, if there's anyone interested, please do not hesitate to let us know, via the TagBoard.

List of sale items:

Textbooks:
1) A Levels Physics (4th Ed) by Roger Muncaster
2) A Levels Chemistry (4th Ed) by E.N.Ramsden
3) Comprehensive Physics for A Levels (Vol 1&2) - highly recommended, detailed explanation and some derivation of formula

TYS/Revision Guides:
1) A Level Physics Yearly Worked Solutions (Jun Nov, 2000-2004) - recommended
2) Physics Topical Worked Solutions 2002 Ed.
3) GCE A Level Physics TYS (1976-2004) - new and mostly unused
4) Study Guide for Your A Level Chemistry Ed 2.0 - highly recommended
5) Chemistry Topical Worked Solutions 2002 Ed.
6) Biology Topical Worked Solutions 2005 Ed. - recommended
7) GCE A Level Maths TYS (1976-2003)
8) GCE A Level Biology TYS (1976-2003)
9) Chemistry S Paper TYS compiled by RJC - strongly recommended, solutions are provided
10) Physics S Paper TYS compiled by RJC - strongly recommended, solutions are provided

F.artMed is looking forward to clearing stock soon. We are willing to do exchange for storybooks and novels.

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna.

After a few months of digging in deep, digging myself out of the hole, it now comes to this. Must not let up. If thousands of others can do it, so can I, maybe even surpass them. There is no 2 ways about it, have to show power. Enough of near-misses, carelessness, this is do or die.

boohoohoo

writing has never been so difficult for me. what on earth did i just write? nevertheless, it was kinda expected. the whole thing. oh man. whatever happens, happens.




On a side note, F.artMed will resume normal service later in the year. Currently, our personnels are going through an self-upgrading course. Stay tuned!

holy!

weird dreams do happen. these people somehow appeared in my dreams this morning.

mr johari (he was playing soccer!eeps), ilman, makmur,adly rizal, junren, zhakai, dhinesh, iylia, adzfar, justin ho... wait theres somemore, i can't remember, errr ayye cant remember.

hmm in the dream i was comtemplating playing rugby in the army, ie for safsa. haha :p and i had a great idea what i can do with an easel as a stage prop! weird!

Recruit Fairuz

ENLISTMENT LETTER arrived today. So, 7th Jan, 230pm, see you guys at Tekong. My God! So sooooon!

final final final stretch already.

1984

doublethink. newspeak. ingsoc. orthodoxy. thoughtcrime.

GAHH! i love 1984.

pardon me, i'm just discovering the joy of reading.

dull, unimaginative, folly

wake man utd up when september ends.

a listless performance against benfica. shaky defence even with vandersar. strike force is expensive yet unproductive. players past their prime, like scholes. worse still, a manager past his expiry date. what's gonna happen to man utd this season?



"Maybe we should hand the title over to Chelsea now, and restart the league after that." Arsene Wenger.

pejam celik pejam celik, it's already nearing the end of the year.

what do we now?

in due time, it shall be Ramadhan.

in around 5 weeks' time, it shall be the A Levels. and of course, Hari Raya too! but what chance of a celebration do we have this year?

in around 8 weeks, maybe, there'll be freedom.



a few years back, the only thing about 'katrina' and 'rita' that we know of is that they are names of girls, and they can be heard in Mambo No.5. now, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake. the news today took a full 10mins at the start of its 30min programme, just to get all the 'bad news' over with. by 'bad news', i mean news about diseases, epidemics, natural disasters, wars, etc. all these merely point towards 1 thing: the end of the world.



it's been 3 years since i came up with a certain theory that a few of my close friends know about. i still think it's true. it's certainly one subject i would love to pursue sometime later in life, if, the world is to last that long.

POP QUIZ F.artMed would like to ask which of these three creatures have the biggest testicles and why. Is it the gorilla, Man or the chimpanzee (arranged in order of the biggest animal to the smallest)? F.artMed took to the streets once again. Do make a guess before scrolling down. CharKway Teow Ah Pek at Ayer Rajah Hawker Centre. Reporter: So what's your pick? Ahpek: What testicle you talking about? Only sotong have testicles la. 8 testicles. Reporter: No. No. Those are not testicles. Ahpek: Correct la. Sotong, 8 testicles. Human no testicles. Monkey also no testicles. Reporter: No no. Humans and monkeys are primates, with 2 testicles each. The squid has 8 tentacles. Ahpek: Ah tentacles. Say clearly la. Humans have 2 tentacles right. And I see so many ci ko pek. So humans hor the sex drive is confirm high. So must be humans got biggest tentacles. Reporter: You mean testicles? Ahpek: Tentacles la, lampar. Reporter: I'm sorry. But you're wrong. Ahpek: Long? Yes correct also. Humans got the longest one also. Reporter: No no you're wrong. Ahpek: Oh yes I am. That's why my wife so happy. Come have some pig intestine soup, good for your sex drive. F.artMed decided to let the AhPek bask in his glory and left. While moving on in the MRT, F.artMed realised that the MRT train is getting very hot and stuffy. Last time, the only sliver of water on a passenger's face was drool. Now, it's sweat. And it's not just one passenger. Maybe it's just the weather. But F.artMed suggests to SMRT to just turn up the air con in the trains yeah! The answer to the Pop Quiz is the chimpanzee. The chimpanzee females are the most non-filial and most likely to stray. So the males, in order to ensure their genes and traits are passed on to future generations of chimps, need to ejaculate a lot and spread their seeds to as many females as possible. That's why, natural selection results in the preferred trait of the large testicles so that the fittest will survive and mate. Humans come in second, because the human female, aka women, are not as astray as chimps, but they are not very filial either. So men develop a sizeable testicle. I mean 2 testicles. Gorillas have loyal mates, so they in fact have the smallest testicle among the 3 primates. Mic Man: Welcome back Champions League. ~

F.artMed visited a school in central Singapore today, near Bishan, and realised JC2s were having prelims. So F.artMed waited outside the school hall and asked a few random people of their views on the paper, Maths, we believe. PRC Scholar: Shit la. I minus 1 mark. I should have used pen not pencil to write that thing. Another PRC Scholar: Don't ask me anything, I must mug Bio now. Yet another PRC Scholar: Choi don't come near me, or else my luck run away. I think I'm getting full marks. Eh better don't anyhow say. Some mat: F*** off. Just f*** off. Another mat: HAHAHAHA. Eh number 5 the answer is 2 ah? Ah whatever, I left it blank. HAHAHAHA. 4Fs, here I come. That's one in the bag...HAHAHAHA. Yet another mat: Shut up la idiot. I need to study Bio I don't want another F. Look at my Bio notes, so clean right? That's cos they are untouched, today's the first time I'm looking through it. Ok. Shut up understand. A group of mats: I think let's go home now. His Friend: But we have Bio after this. Mat: Ahhh no difference. Don't sit for test get zero, sit for test also get zero. Ciao. Ah F.artMed realised it's that time of the year again. EXAMS! Happy studying! And stop watching TV!

Kampung Glam

F.artMed researched about all the hype surrounding Kampung Glam. Yes yes, The Straight Times may have already come up with articles about this new hip hangout, but F.artMed decided that our team will dive straight in to talk with the people that put the GLAM back in Kampung Glam.


1. With a 79 year old Taxi Driver. Declined to be named. Known around Singapore only as Mabuk Singh.

Reporter: Hi. I see many taxi drivers here, is this place like a taxi stand?
Mabuk: Ayye, no la. We come here to drink. The drink, good and cheap. Somemore, not noisy. I cannot stand noises.
Reporter: Oh. What do you mean by drinks?
Mabuk: Ayye. Teh tarik...sedap*. Kopi panas*. Teh Halia. Teh Tiger...eh sorry don't have. That one only at my void deck, the neighbourhood mats.
Reporter: Is it crowded even at night?
Mabuk: Yes the sidewalk cafes especially. I love it, we park our taxis here, we sit over there. All my friends come here, especially for our night shifts.
Reporter: I see. So the caffeine helps you stay awake at night?
Mabuk: Nope. We just slack the night away, drinking teh and playing bridge. Hahahaha....
Reporter: But how do you earn like that?
Mabuk: I think it's better for my safety. I'm Mabuk, so it's not safe to drive with me at the steering wheels. HAHAHAHA! Come join us for teh now. (gestures at the owner)Man! Man! (pronounced Mon, as in monday) Kasi teh tarik dua cawan, gula lebih.*
Man (from behind the counter): Siap*...

Being typical Singaporeans, Mr Reporter and Mic Man did not refuse the free teh tarik for the night. This job has its perks man!

2. With a burly looking Arab Sheikh, who owns several cafes along the Baghdad Street/Arab Street Belt.

Sheikh: Ahlan Wasahlan. We know you were coming to interview us today. So we prepared this scrumptious meal just for you. Let's talk over dinner, or shall I say suppper supppper?
Reporter: Ahlalalalalan back. Sorry, not very good with Arab.
Sheikh: Come with us upstairs, special VIP room.
Mic Man: BOSS! Ni nabeh, take off your shoes la, you think your house is it? Cannot read signboard is it?
Reporter: Sorry Sorry, my mistake.
Sheikh: You see we provide a very different kind of atmosphere. So, you can chill and relax and just do whatever you want...
Mic Man: Whatever I want? (looking all excited, about to remove his trousers already)
Sheikh: Well, almost whatever you want but not that please. I cannot stand small packages. Unless you are well hung...Like me! HAHAHAHA (a hearty Arab laugh)
Reporter: So is this place the....(suddenly interrupted)
Sheikh: (gesturing to one of the waitress, a hot minah in a black jubah) Bring on the belly dancers!

3 girls walked onto the raised platform in the middle of the lush carpeted room, dancing to the likes of Amr Diab (not Raihan songs la, so wrong!). One of them looks a lot like the girl who acted as The Official's Wife in the Bukit Kenny Play held by some JC in the Bishan AMK district not too long ago.

Reporter: So Mr Sheikh, how do keep up with... (again, interrupted)
Sheikh: Bring out the house specialty Sheesha.
Reporter: SHEESH (exasperated).
Sheikh: No no, let me teach you. SHEESH-AA. Repeat after me, SHEESH-AA. Sheesha!
Reporter: I've never tried this before, so here goes.

Suddenly, after a few puffs of the Arabian water pipe and a scrumptious Yemeni meal, both Mr Reporter & Mic Man just fell into a deep deep daze. Mr Reporter could not remember anything when he woke up, at 530am, by the endearing Azan from Sultan Mosque. After early morning prayers, the team consolidated their report.

Mic Man: Eh Boss. What happen sia last night? I cannot remember anything liao.
Reporter: Me too, kinda strange isn't it. All I remember was I couldn't get anything from the horse's mouth.
Mic Man: What horse? Kampong Glam is not a kampung anymore, now no more horse. Boss are you sure you are ok? Want me to send you to hospital? Raffles Hospital nearby only hor...
Reporter: I mean, the Sheikh fella, kept giving us things, cannot even ask him how his profits are like these days...
Mic Man: Don't worry Boss, remember we always tape what we interview?
Reporter: Mic Man, you're a genius!
Mic Man: Thankew ah. Last time I went to RI hor, don't see me no up ok...
Reporter: Oh you did?
Mic Man: Just kidding. Ok sshhh let's listen...

Tape: .....shhshhshsh (blurry sounds)........ shhhshshshhh.... (some cricket sounds....plus owl sounds)....... AAahh! AAahh!YES! YES! AaaaH! OoooHHH! YES!........

Reporter: What the fu....
Mic Man: Oops sorry boss. I put in the wrong tape. That was my ren-dez-vez with my China mei-mei.
Reporter: Rendezvous la gondol*. Where's the correct tape?
Mic Man: Dunno, aiyah forget it Boss. Tonight we can go again. Kampong Glam is now glamourous what correct or not?


F.artMed really loves the place, Kampung Glam, and would recommend Singaporeans to venture there for a taste of Arab culture. Let's hope with the impending smoking bans in pubs and cafes, sheeshas will still be allowed. Ahhh...

Index
mabuk - drunkard
sedap - delicious,yummy
panas - hot
kasi - give (me/us)
dua cawan - 2 glasses
gula lebih - more sugar
siap - ready

gondol - botak-head, usually means stupid

F.artMed decided to have it free and easy today. No fuss no frills. Just a random walkabout around the island to meet random people and really get into the masses. So here are a few picks for the daily dish:

1. In Bugis, near the new national library, we met an aspiring musician who goes by the name of 3dash1equals2 (3-1=2).






Reporter: Hi, care for an interview?
3-1=2: How's it hangin', dawg?
Reporter: What's hanging? You mean who's hanging who is it? I know.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: The police are hanging Took Leng How this very moment.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: Tell me, what are you doing with that guitar?
3-1=2: I am an aspiring musician. A f****** rocker. Here's my contact, (striking a rhythm) 3 to the 1 to the 2, that's me (flashes wide toothy grin).
Reporter: Wait a minute, you must be the winner of The Straight Times School of Rock competition! I'm so please to meet you.
Mic Man: Eh ah boy, my daughter wants your autograph hor.
Reporter: Since when you have a daughter Mic Man?
Mic Man: Aiyah, my China mei mei loves rock song la. I call her my Daughter Princess.
3-1=2: Dude. Dude. I am 3-1=2. Not 3-1. Those people don't deserve it. They can't even complete simple maths. Yet they are still in school. That's screwed up. I'm a dropout yet I know my maths.
Reporter: You're a dropout?
3-1=2: The damned journalists all tell me I'm not eligible. I'm still 17 man!
Reporter: Ain't that unfair or what?
3-1=2: Yeah that ain't gonna break me, dawg. I've decided I'm going to organize my own competition, the School DropOut of Rock Competition! Holler if ya hear me...! Straight Times, you can kiss my ass because I tak cebok*. Hahahahaha!
Reporter: I'm sure you didn't mean that.
3-1=2: Oh yes I do. You wanna try? Here (starts undoing his pants)...
Reporter: That's a WRAP!!!(runs for dear life)

Index: tak cebok - never wash backside

2. In the MRT heading towards the East. F.artMed met Zoe Tay and wanted to interview her, until this woman came up and had this to say:






Although Mic Man was getting hot and bothered and wanted to interview this woman instead, F.artMed was informed in Mandarin that Zoe Tay could neither understand nor speak any English, except when she is given a simple script to memorize for one month. So, F.artMed decided to search elsewhere.



3. In a Lan shop near King Albert Park, F.artMed saw a number of pale-skinned teenagers playing some noisy game.

Reporter: Assalamualaikum.
Mic Man: Boss you're an asshole la. These kids are chinese la, of course not Muslim!

A Chinese Boy (who looks more Indian, or Malay, or Eurasian, or dunno what rojak combination) walked past, and replied: "Waalaikumsalam. I'm Mikail, 2005 President's Scholar. Nice to meet you.") He walked out of the shop.

Reporter: (smug) See. I'm smart.
Mic Man: (pissed) Hurry up interview.
Reporter: Hi, are you a student?
Chinese Boy (CB) 1: Lan cheow KNN la. I'm playing here can't you see.
Reporter: What's that you're playing?
CB2: DotA! Now pack your shit and buzz off.
Reporter: Eh I recognize this badge and that uniform you're wearing inside out. That's China High right!
CB2: Oi Mister! Not so loud la. They don't allow students here at this time! Not 12pm yet, cannot come here actually you know.
Reporter: But I'm right aren't I?
CB1: Not China High la nabei. It's Hwa Chiong Institute. News Flash! We changed our name! Eh f*** la, you kill me for what!
CB2: Ya, you never read newspaper meh?
Reporter: Oh, how do you feel about the name change? Is it refreshing or exciting, or... what say you?
CB2: You know what's refreshing? You getting your stinking breath away from my face. And take that you bastard. Hiyak!
CB1: Aiya jibyela, Hwa Chiong la, Hwa Zhu la, Celest Chong la, I don't care. All I care about is go home, just finish homework, get A then I can lan some more. Jibye.
Reporter: I see. Don't you guys have lessons?
CB1: I ponn* cannot ah? I still get 6 points for O levels what.
CB2: Oi stupid is it? Now we got thru train la. Where got O Levels?
CB1: Oh yah hor. O Levels for stupid people, errr.... I mean not so smart people... Err I mean for average people. We are just a little bit smarter. Little bit. You didn't record that, did you?
Reporter: No. We censor all your expletives also. (nudges the Mic man, whispering: "Oi make sure you record everything they say, understand?")

Mic Man gaves the thumbs up signal.
Reporter: One last question guys, how's it like to be in a school comprising of mainly Chinese? And completely boys?
Mic Man: That's 2 questions Boss.
CB1: Even your assistant smarter than you.
CBoys: HAHAHAHAHA...(whispering) Must be he's from a neighbourhood school.
CB2: Anyway, back to the question. It's good what. The only thing I hate is that Friday cannot go home early, because no Mats in our class la.
CB1: Ya and every year also we must celebrate Moon Cake Festival.
CB2: And anyway, we don't care also, if got no girls in school. They girls nowadays ah, eee yer. PUI! (spits on the mousepad). Either ah lian or what, bohemian ah. What the f*** is bohemian you tell me? I don't understand ok! Boh my lan cheow la!
CB1: Did you read Uban* today? Uban says university not bad, got good looking chio bu also.
CB2: Aiyoh, you stupid is it? All the chio bus are in the international schools la. Uban talking nonsense again. That Dylan Puih. Talk rot king.
CB1: Yaya kan nah sai. OK, you still got question or not. If not, leave thank you.
Reporter: That'll do, thanks guys.

Index: Uban - (Urban) but uban means white hair in Malay

That'll do for today's edition of F.artMed.

F.artMed to the rescue of a flailing career!

In a bid to save the sputtering career of England's not-so-favourite son Michael Owen, F.artMed decided to send in our sports team to hijack a Madrid training session to kidnap the lad and bring him over here to Singapore for some tough questioning. We sat down at a coffeshop at Jalan Kayu.

Reporter: Ola Michael. Speak any Spanish?
Owen: Si...
Reporter: I thought that's Italian?
Owen: Simi lan cheow!
Reporter: Alright, alright I know you're kinda pissed that we kidnapped you amidst all the transfer saga. But we didn't know you know Hokkien! Care to explain?
Owen: What do you think people like me do when my club Real Madrid goes on tours in the Far East? We sit on them benches and hear them Chinese supporters shouting what "JIBYE! KNN!" We sit, we learn.
Reporter: Ahh, no wonder you are always on the bench.
Owen: Excuse me?
Reporter: Err nothing. We heard you snubbed Everton and Newcastle. Why?
Owen: Because I can't play in the Champions League that's why. I am a champion and I only deserve to play for a champion team.
Reporter: Ok. So seeing clearly you've no future at Real Madrid, what are your plans, this being World Cup year and all?
Owen: This Vanderlei bastard is too much. Firstly I thought, okay just that fatty Ronnie and the captain Raul, big deal. I will get my chances. Then, suddenly he bring in 2 more of his Brazilians. I thought Good Lor...
Mic Man: Wah your boss is too much PUI! (spits). Who he think he is sia? Bring in people like gangster like that. Owen: Exactly my sentiments.
Reporter: You're England's first choice, but club fifth choice?
Owen: That's because Sven and I share a different kind of relationship.
Reporter: Care to elaborate?
Owen: At every England training, I am first to "come" and last to leave. You know why I'm first to "come"? Coz Sven makes me sit in his room and start my psychological prep, using whips feathers and all, to make me, all...wet.
Reporter: Oh God! As if the Faria Alam scandal was not enough.
Owen: Golden Balls however is Sven's favourite.
Reporter: Why?
Owen: Because his balls are absolutely golden! Sorry Becks I hope you are having fun doing Vanderlei's (chuckles).
Reporter: Alright, it's time to get serious.
Mic Man: Aww boss come on. I was just teaching Owen a few more Hokkien phrases for him to say in bed.
Reporter: Owen, we'd like you to meet....

Reporter: Mr Samm (not real name, identity is concealed, kidnappings are illegal activities)
Owen: Who the Fu...
Reporter: Please Michael, control yourself.
Mr Samm: Hi. I am the club director of Tampenis Rovers. I have a proposition for you (wipes off creamy white stain from his lips. It's ice cream la, what were you thinking!)
Owen: What's that?
Mr Samm: We'd like to sign you. We are champions of the Ass League. That's such a perfect match for you. We have potentially the hottest butts you can screw around with in this region.
Owen: Wow! That's really fresh. How come I've never heard about this?
Mr Samm: Have you heard about the Tiger Cup?
Owen: No.
Mr Samm: Why are you such a goondu? I tell you this. We guarantee you, you'll be a 50goals-a-season man here, your sexual desires will be fulfilled. Tampenis is also the champion so you, the champ, will play for the champion team.
Owen: Oh that's great! Where's the contract?
Mr Samm: What number would you like?
Owen: (emphatically) 69! 69!
Reporter: (confused) Err, why so big?
(Mic Man whispered something into Mr Reporter's ears)
Reporter: Ohh I see I see. Go ahead. Here's the contract papers Mr Samm.

After the signing ceremony, the crew, Owen and Mr Samm sped along the TPE to Tampenis Stadium, Owen's new homeground.

Owen: Why nobody is waving back when I'm waving at them? Don't they recognize me?
Owen: (shouting out of the window of the Hyundai at a group of Bengs) Hey you remember that f***ing goal against Argentina? It's me, Michael Owen.
Ah Bengs: Siao!
Mr Samm: It's ok Mikey, stop whining. I'll give you a dildo to play with. Here.


Owen looks like a happy kid all over again. The smile is back on his face.


Krring Krring. It's Owen's Semens mobile.
Owen: ....yeah Sven.... what tonight?..... no can't do... you're alone.....i'm really busy....Singapore has the best dildos in town by the way....i'll get one for you too before the Wales match....sorry hun.....Becks is free tonight, he can do you....


F.artMed believes today's assignment has been successful. As a result, Mr Reporter will get a pay rise, a seat in the Director's Box at Tampenis Stadium. Mic Man will get the weekend off to visit Geylang. Til next time.

JCs & Malays. They Don't Mix?

F.artMed did our own research and discovered that huge difference in racial representation at the JC level. Thus, we sent our team to a premiere school in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio district to find out their views. Here's what we found:






Reporter: Hi Guys, don't mind for an interview?
Arabs: Ya Hababi, i mean Ya Habibi. Ahlan Wasahlan. I tell you, velcome, velcome to our premiere school.
Reporter: Thanks, comments guys, what do you thi...
White Scarf: Vait a minute! How do you know that ve are guys? How you see through this veil Mr Reporter?
Reporter: (peering beneath the canteen table) Hairy legs.
White Scarf: Oops. You are right. I am male. But good guess anyway.
Reporter: As I was saying, what do you think is the reason for Malays to be so poorly represented in JCs?
Black Scarf: Don't even ask. I am still saddened by the death of our great King Fahd.
Reporter: Ooh who is that? Sounds like my company.
Black Scarf: How dare you insult zhis greatest king! How am I going to go zthrough zhis Ramadhan like zhis!
Reporter: Sorry Mr..Mr.. ah nevermind. So the reason is?
Red Scarf: Munnjens*. The stinking munjens. How else you think they are so vell-represented? I tell you, if not for my A Levels, I vould have started planning bombs I tell you.
Reporter: That would be too drastic, wouldn't it? I'm sure that's not the only reason.

(Meanwhile a hot office lady walks past the canteen table and there was a tremendous flutter in the lower abdomen region of the robes of these Arabs, with rapid synchronised chanting of Marha!Marha!)

Reporter: So what are other reasons?
Black Scarf: I zthink Malays are sloth! Lazy and cannot be bothered about zhis exams. In Arabia, we would get circumsized again if we fail zhis exams.
Reporter: My lord! Good heavens.
Red Scarf: Yes, Mr Reporter, stop stating the obvious. Heaven is of course good. But you can't go there, zhe heavens, can't even get a smell of it. You're not circumsized!
Reporter: But I am.
White Scarf: But zhere is no proof!
Reporter: (taking out his wallet) Here, my foreskin.
Red Scarf: Ah, my father can get you certified Halal.
White Scarf: You see, we study study study then pray pray pray to zhe Almighty. So, you get that extra luck.
Reporter: Oooh I see. Better remember to pray during church and stop looking at chio bu.
Black Scarf: Oh poor Mr Reporter, you can't pray in zhis school though. You see, zhis group of sahabats* we tried very very hard to get our principal to give us a room to pray. Sadly, our requests were turned down.
Reporter: Then what happened?
Red Scarf: We really tried very hard. Turned to many zifferent zifferent teachers. But nothing. So we know if we were to jihad, we would get caught and no more A Levels. So, we prayed in corners, outside zhe toilets...you know...
Reporter: Back to the question. How are we going to improve the turnover rate then? Getting more Malays into JCs...
White Scarf: We can't allow zhis bookshop to sell cigarettes. So option number 1, out.

(Suddenly a sudden pungent smell wafted across the table as a few white boys walked past our table, uniforms in disarray, then a sudden smell of mint mixed with deo)

White Scarf: The other option is to make the entrance exam easier.
Reporter: Oh, how so? You mean allowing people with a raw score of 21 points and above to enter?
Black Scarf: No you fool! Let zhem take zheir specialist subjects.
Red Scarf: Yes. 1) Football. 2) Minah. 3)Motorcycle. 4) Food. 5) Relacking one corner.
Reporter: Oh my gosh. Those aren't subjects!
Red Scarf: Oh yes, MOEdu now vants us to be "Zhinking schools, learning nation". Ve took chemistry and biology, with zhe Special paper in biochemistry vwarfare.
Mic Man: Boss, simi lan cheow. I kena mosquito bite already. Boss hurry leh. The New Paper say here got dengue wait I kena how?
Reporter: It seems to me that none of your solutions can work. Really. So there is no hope for Malays?
White Scarf: But zhere's still hope.
Reporter: How?
White Scarf: Like ZHIS! URGH!(shoving his hairy Arab palm into the Reporter's crotch, he started tingling sensations to cause arousal.)
Red Scarf: YA HOSSAM! WAH AL HASOD AFNMNA ASNMCC MIAD (exotic arab lingo, can't find translation)

A few minutes later, at the sick bay while receiving treatment,

Reporter: (half stuttering) Guys, one last question, h-how do you become inconspicuous dressing l-like that? Mic Man: Boss enough question leh. I very tired hor. One hand must hold this mic. The other hand now I must hold your "mic", you think your mic smell very nice ah. Reporter: Shut up. Finishing already la, stop complaining or I'll tell Upstairs Boss you went to Geylang again. Mic Man: Wah CCB. Lan Cheow hurry up la. Red Scarf: Ve don't. Ve embrace Islam. Ve cover al-aurat*! Girls in Islam, ve shall see more tudungs* next year even in school. Do you understand me? Reporter: Errr, I'm not quite sure I do. White Scarf: Let me make you undersztand vhite boy. See zhis finger. Let me shove it up your ass! F.artMed concluded that the interview had not been succesful in finding out the real causes for disparate representation of races. So, til the time Mr Reporter recovers, F.artMed will continue our unflinching research toward the betterment of society. Index sahabat - friend aurat - the portion of the body that requires cover according to Islamic rule tudung - headscarf, but a bit different from the one in the insert munjen - chinese

An Interview with a young couple.

Worried about a recent startling statistic exposed during the NDP Rally, the news arm of Fairuz Art Media (F.artMed) went around Tampines (duh) to delve deeper into this social concern. 18% of Malay marriages that took place last year alone involved brides under the age of 21. Compare that to the Indians (9%) and Chinese(3%), we see why our community is constantly lagging in society. It's a tremendously vicious cycle. Most married out of wedlock, "to hide the shame" of teenage pregnancy. Who asked you to have pre-marital sex? Or even worse, forget to put on the sheath? This brings a friend of Peiqian to mind, who said, "You rub rub rub, sure got friction. I wear also no use." To laugh, or to cry? Ahhh, let's hear it from this Malay couple, who had decided to get married at the tender age of 18 2 years ago and now, they say they want to start a happy family together. They declined be named. Reporter:Assalamualaikum*. Aminah (not her real name, more affectionately known as Minah): Apa tu? What in the world is ass-lala-masala-lalalakum? (stops breastfeeding her third kid, still a baby, took a napkin to wipe something off her chest). Oh anyway, how are you? Reporter: Oh i'm fine thank you. Really would like to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. Bob (gang name, cannot give real name if not teacher will know): Alah no problem beb. Wa caya sama lu. Anyway, what you want to know sia? (takes out a pack of Marlboro) Eh Mr Reporter, you got lighter not? Don't mind ah, I need to detox la. Reporter: Sure sure go ahead. Okay, firstly, why did you get married so young? Minah: Oh because he's so hemsem* and we really fell in love. Love at first sight la (UWAAAA!!! the baby started crying) Also, because you know one day,.... (Minah & Bob looked at each other, something not about right).... Reporter: Is there something wrong? Bob: Oh no no. Look, the real reason we sangkut* is because you know we... we...apa tu Minah... Reporter: Had intercourse? Minah: No la, Bob not very smart, cannot even go poly, how to take course? We had sex la. Reporter: How did this happen? Minah: I told him la that Friday afternoon, go for Friday Prayers la. Why so degil* don't want? Then this Bob, 1255pm already, Ghufran (the mosque in Tampines) almost full already can see from our flat somemore. But he went downstairs for a while. I thought he went for prayers la. Reporter: Then? Minah: Wah when I talk about sex you very interested ah. Bob: Actually I went downstairs to buy beer la. At home, supply finish. I bought a six-can pack. Should have bought lighter also then no need borrow from you. So i went up and made Minah drunk. She's good man, only after 4 cans then she cannot take it. So i took off her school uniform and started playing hero. Reporter: Did your parents know at all about the relationsip? Minah: Both my parents are dead. (her face contorted, as if trying very hard to cry, but after 2 minutes, still no tears). Bob: They don't know la of course. But my mak* very fed up with my bapak*. Of course la, he every weekend also go Batam, each week different woman he tell me. He says going to Batam is like eating takeaway, once you are done you throw away. So my mak and bapak bo chap about me. Reporter: Hey stop touching my balls you gondol*! Oops, sorry that was not recorded right? Mic Man: No la KNN hurry up i can't hold this mic anymore, I need to pee. Reporter: Okay, we're running short of time, I need to piss also because your Mini Mat* here keep touching my balls. So briefly, please, any advice for teenagers out there? Minah: Okay, number 1 eh, must always find a job. For me, once I trim down a bit more with my jamu*, then I will go back to my job. Reporter: Which is... Minah: S-League Cheerleader. Go Geylang! Eagles soar high high hii-i-i-i-i-ii-i-igh! (breaks into a cheerleading routine, accidentally dropping her baby to the floor). Bob: For myself, I vow to quit smoking and find a stable income. I am an S-League footballer. Paya Lebar Punggol. Nowadays very bad ah, every game kena hentam*. But you wait Alam Shah, I show you whose balls are bigger okay. Reporter: Aaahh, life is not so gloomy after all. Eh (sniff-sniff), what's that smell?! Mic Man: Boss sorry boss I really cannot tahan anymore!!! I accidentally ngompol*. F.artMed spent the next half an hour cleaning up the puddle before retiring the day with Solat Duha at Ghufran. Index: Assalamualaikum - peace be upon you. beb - babe, friend wa caya sama lu - i trust you sangkut - got attached apa tu/apa itu - what's that degil - stubborn mak - mother bapak - father gondol - botak boy mini mat - small malay boy (not econ) jamu - traditional Malay herbs kena hentam - receive a whacking ngompol - to pee in bed, but can apply also la