Kampung Glam

F.artMed researched about all the hype surrounding Kampung Glam. Yes yes, The Straight Times may have already come up with articles about this new hip hangout, but F.artMed decided that our team will dive straight in to talk with the people that put the GLAM back in Kampung Glam.


1. With a 79 year old Taxi Driver. Declined to be named. Known around Singapore only as Mabuk Singh.

Reporter: Hi. I see many taxi drivers here, is this place like a taxi stand?
Mabuk: Ayye, no la. We come here to drink. The drink, good and cheap. Somemore, not noisy. I cannot stand noises.
Reporter: Oh. What do you mean by drinks?
Mabuk: Ayye. Teh tarik...sedap*. Kopi panas*. Teh Halia. Teh Tiger...eh sorry don't have. That one only at my void deck, the neighbourhood mats.
Reporter: Is it crowded even at night?
Mabuk: Yes the sidewalk cafes especially. I love it, we park our taxis here, we sit over there. All my friends come here, especially for our night shifts.
Reporter: I see. So the caffeine helps you stay awake at night?
Mabuk: Nope. We just slack the night away, drinking teh and playing bridge. Hahahaha....
Reporter: But how do you earn like that?
Mabuk: I think it's better for my safety. I'm Mabuk, so it's not safe to drive with me at the steering wheels. HAHAHAHA! Come join us for teh now. (gestures at the owner)Man! Man! (pronounced Mon, as in monday) Kasi teh tarik dua cawan, gula lebih.*
Man (from behind the counter): Siap*...

Being typical Singaporeans, Mr Reporter and Mic Man did not refuse the free teh tarik for the night. This job has its perks man!

2. With a burly looking Arab Sheikh, who owns several cafes along the Baghdad Street/Arab Street Belt.

Sheikh: Ahlan Wasahlan. We know you were coming to interview us today. So we prepared this scrumptious meal just for you. Let's talk over dinner, or shall I say suppper supppper?
Reporter: Ahlalalalalan back. Sorry, not very good with Arab.
Sheikh: Come with us upstairs, special VIP room.
Mic Man: BOSS! Ni nabeh, take off your shoes la, you think your house is it? Cannot read signboard is it?
Reporter: Sorry Sorry, my mistake.
Sheikh: You see we provide a very different kind of atmosphere. So, you can chill and relax and just do whatever you want...
Mic Man: Whatever I want? (looking all excited, about to remove his trousers already)
Sheikh: Well, almost whatever you want but not that please. I cannot stand small packages. Unless you are well hung...Like me! HAHAHAHA (a hearty Arab laugh)
Reporter: So is this place the....(suddenly interrupted)
Sheikh: (gesturing to one of the waitress, a hot minah in a black jubah) Bring on the belly dancers!

3 girls walked onto the raised platform in the middle of the lush carpeted room, dancing to the likes of Amr Diab (not Raihan songs la, so wrong!). One of them looks a lot like the girl who acted as The Official's Wife in the Bukit Kenny Play held by some JC in the Bishan AMK district not too long ago.

Reporter: So Mr Sheikh, how do keep up with... (again, interrupted)
Sheikh: Bring out the house specialty Sheesha.
Reporter: SHEESH (exasperated).
Sheikh: No no, let me teach you. SHEESH-AA. Repeat after me, SHEESH-AA. Sheesha!
Reporter: I've never tried this before, so here goes.

Suddenly, after a few puffs of the Arabian water pipe and a scrumptious Yemeni meal, both Mr Reporter & Mic Man just fell into a deep deep daze. Mr Reporter could not remember anything when he woke up, at 530am, by the endearing Azan from Sultan Mosque. After early morning prayers, the team consolidated their report.

Mic Man: Eh Boss. What happen sia last night? I cannot remember anything liao.
Reporter: Me too, kinda strange isn't it. All I remember was I couldn't get anything from the horse's mouth.
Mic Man: What horse? Kampong Glam is not a kampung anymore, now no more horse. Boss are you sure you are ok? Want me to send you to hospital? Raffles Hospital nearby only hor...
Reporter: I mean, the Sheikh fella, kept giving us things, cannot even ask him how his profits are like these days...
Mic Man: Don't worry Boss, remember we always tape what we interview?
Reporter: Mic Man, you're a genius!
Mic Man: Thankew ah. Last time I went to RI hor, don't see me no up ok...
Reporter: Oh you did?
Mic Man: Just kidding. Ok sshhh let's listen...

Tape: .....shhshhshsh (blurry sounds)........ shhhshshshhh.... (some cricket sounds....plus owl sounds)....... AAahh! AAahh!YES! YES! AaaaH! OoooHHH! YES!........

Reporter: What the fu....
Mic Man: Oops sorry boss. I put in the wrong tape. That was my ren-dez-vez with my China mei-mei.
Reporter: Rendezvous la gondol*. Where's the correct tape?
Mic Man: Dunno, aiyah forget it Boss. Tonight we can go again. Kampong Glam is now glamourous what correct or not?


F.artMed really loves the place, Kampung Glam, and would recommend Singaporeans to venture there for a taste of Arab culture. Let's hope with the impending smoking bans in pubs and cafes, sheeshas will still be allowed. Ahhh...

Index
mabuk - drunkard
sedap - delicious,yummy
panas - hot
kasi - give (me/us)
dua cawan - 2 glasses
gula lebih - more sugar
siap - ready

gondol - botak-head, usually means stupid

F.artMed decided to have it free and easy today. No fuss no frills. Just a random walkabout around the island to meet random people and really get into the masses. So here are a few picks for the daily dish:

1. In Bugis, near the new national library, we met an aspiring musician who goes by the name of 3dash1equals2 (3-1=2).






Reporter: Hi, care for an interview?
3-1=2: How's it hangin', dawg?
Reporter: What's hanging? You mean who's hanging who is it? I know.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: The police are hanging Took Leng How this very moment.
3-1=2: Huh?
Reporter: Tell me, what are you doing with that guitar?
3-1=2: I am an aspiring musician. A f****** rocker. Here's my contact, (striking a rhythm) 3 to the 1 to the 2, that's me (flashes wide toothy grin).
Reporter: Wait a minute, you must be the winner of The Straight Times School of Rock competition! I'm so please to meet you.
Mic Man: Eh ah boy, my daughter wants your autograph hor.
Reporter: Since when you have a daughter Mic Man?
Mic Man: Aiyah, my China mei mei loves rock song la. I call her my Daughter Princess.
3-1=2: Dude. Dude. I am 3-1=2. Not 3-1. Those people don't deserve it. They can't even complete simple maths. Yet they are still in school. That's screwed up. I'm a dropout yet I know my maths.
Reporter: You're a dropout?
3-1=2: The damned journalists all tell me I'm not eligible. I'm still 17 man!
Reporter: Ain't that unfair or what?
3-1=2: Yeah that ain't gonna break me, dawg. I've decided I'm going to organize my own competition, the School DropOut of Rock Competition! Holler if ya hear me...! Straight Times, you can kiss my ass because I tak cebok*. Hahahahaha!
Reporter: I'm sure you didn't mean that.
3-1=2: Oh yes I do. You wanna try? Here (starts undoing his pants)...
Reporter: That's a WRAP!!!(runs for dear life)

Index: tak cebok - never wash backside

2. In the MRT heading towards the East. F.artMed met Zoe Tay and wanted to interview her, until this woman came up and had this to say:






Although Mic Man was getting hot and bothered and wanted to interview this woman instead, F.artMed was informed in Mandarin that Zoe Tay could neither understand nor speak any English, except when she is given a simple script to memorize for one month. So, F.artMed decided to search elsewhere.



3. In a Lan shop near King Albert Park, F.artMed saw a number of pale-skinned teenagers playing some noisy game.

Reporter: Assalamualaikum.
Mic Man: Boss you're an asshole la. These kids are chinese la, of course not Muslim!

A Chinese Boy (who looks more Indian, or Malay, or Eurasian, or dunno what rojak combination) walked past, and replied: "Waalaikumsalam. I'm Mikail, 2005 President's Scholar. Nice to meet you.") He walked out of the shop.

Reporter: (smug) See. I'm smart.
Mic Man: (pissed) Hurry up interview.
Reporter: Hi, are you a student?
Chinese Boy (CB) 1: Lan cheow KNN la. I'm playing here can't you see.
Reporter: What's that you're playing?
CB2: DotA! Now pack your shit and buzz off.
Reporter: Eh I recognize this badge and that uniform you're wearing inside out. That's China High right!
CB2: Oi Mister! Not so loud la. They don't allow students here at this time! Not 12pm yet, cannot come here actually you know.
Reporter: But I'm right aren't I?
CB1: Not China High la nabei. It's Hwa Chiong Institute. News Flash! We changed our name! Eh f*** la, you kill me for what!
CB2: Ya, you never read newspaper meh?
Reporter: Oh, how do you feel about the name change? Is it refreshing or exciting, or... what say you?
CB2: You know what's refreshing? You getting your stinking breath away from my face. And take that you bastard. Hiyak!
CB1: Aiya jibyela, Hwa Chiong la, Hwa Zhu la, Celest Chong la, I don't care. All I care about is go home, just finish homework, get A then I can lan some more. Jibye.
Reporter: I see. Don't you guys have lessons?
CB1: I ponn* cannot ah? I still get 6 points for O levels what.
CB2: Oi stupid is it? Now we got thru train la. Where got O Levels?
CB1: Oh yah hor. O Levels for stupid people, errr.... I mean not so smart people... Err I mean for average people. We are just a little bit smarter. Little bit. You didn't record that, did you?
Reporter: No. We censor all your expletives also. (nudges the Mic man, whispering: "Oi make sure you record everything they say, understand?")

Mic Man gaves the thumbs up signal.
Reporter: One last question guys, how's it like to be in a school comprising of mainly Chinese? And completely boys?
Mic Man: That's 2 questions Boss.
CB1: Even your assistant smarter than you.
CBoys: HAHAHAHAHA...(whispering) Must be he's from a neighbourhood school.
CB2: Anyway, back to the question. It's good what. The only thing I hate is that Friday cannot go home early, because no Mats in our class la.
CB1: Ya and every year also we must celebrate Moon Cake Festival.
CB2: And anyway, we don't care also, if got no girls in school. They girls nowadays ah, eee yer. PUI! (spits on the mousepad). Either ah lian or what, bohemian ah. What the f*** is bohemian you tell me? I don't understand ok! Boh my lan cheow la!
CB1: Did you read Uban* today? Uban says university not bad, got good looking chio bu also.
CB2: Aiyoh, you stupid is it? All the chio bus are in the international schools la. Uban talking nonsense again. That Dylan Puih. Talk rot king.
CB1: Yaya kan nah sai. OK, you still got question or not. If not, leave thank you.
Reporter: That'll do, thanks guys.

Index: Uban - (Urban) but uban means white hair in Malay

That'll do for today's edition of F.artMed.

F.artMed to the rescue of a flailing career!

In a bid to save the sputtering career of England's not-so-favourite son Michael Owen, F.artMed decided to send in our sports team to hijack a Madrid training session to kidnap the lad and bring him over here to Singapore for some tough questioning. We sat down at a coffeshop at Jalan Kayu.

Reporter: Ola Michael. Speak any Spanish?
Owen: Si...
Reporter: I thought that's Italian?
Owen: Simi lan cheow!
Reporter: Alright, alright I know you're kinda pissed that we kidnapped you amidst all the transfer saga. But we didn't know you know Hokkien! Care to explain?
Owen: What do you think people like me do when my club Real Madrid goes on tours in the Far East? We sit on them benches and hear them Chinese supporters shouting what "JIBYE! KNN!" We sit, we learn.
Reporter: Ahh, no wonder you are always on the bench.
Owen: Excuse me?
Reporter: Err nothing. We heard you snubbed Everton and Newcastle. Why?
Owen: Because I can't play in the Champions League that's why. I am a champion and I only deserve to play for a champion team.
Reporter: Ok. So seeing clearly you've no future at Real Madrid, what are your plans, this being World Cup year and all?
Owen: This Vanderlei bastard is too much. Firstly I thought, okay just that fatty Ronnie and the captain Raul, big deal. I will get my chances. Then, suddenly he bring in 2 more of his Brazilians. I thought Good Lor...
Mic Man: Wah your boss is too much PUI! (spits). Who he think he is sia? Bring in people like gangster like that. Owen: Exactly my sentiments.
Reporter: You're England's first choice, but club fifth choice?
Owen: That's because Sven and I share a different kind of relationship.
Reporter: Care to elaborate?
Owen: At every England training, I am first to "come" and last to leave. You know why I'm first to "come"? Coz Sven makes me sit in his room and start my psychological prep, using whips feathers and all, to make me, all...wet.
Reporter: Oh God! As if the Faria Alam scandal was not enough.
Owen: Golden Balls however is Sven's favourite.
Reporter: Why?
Owen: Because his balls are absolutely golden! Sorry Becks I hope you are having fun doing Vanderlei's (chuckles).
Reporter: Alright, it's time to get serious.
Mic Man: Aww boss come on. I was just teaching Owen a few more Hokkien phrases for him to say in bed.
Reporter: Owen, we'd like you to meet....

Reporter: Mr Samm (not real name, identity is concealed, kidnappings are illegal activities)
Owen: Who the Fu...
Reporter: Please Michael, control yourself.
Mr Samm: Hi. I am the club director of Tampenis Rovers. I have a proposition for you (wipes off creamy white stain from his lips. It's ice cream la, what were you thinking!)
Owen: What's that?
Mr Samm: We'd like to sign you. We are champions of the Ass League. That's such a perfect match for you. We have potentially the hottest butts you can screw around with in this region.
Owen: Wow! That's really fresh. How come I've never heard about this?
Mr Samm: Have you heard about the Tiger Cup?
Owen: No.
Mr Samm: Why are you such a goondu? I tell you this. We guarantee you, you'll be a 50goals-a-season man here, your sexual desires will be fulfilled. Tampenis is also the champion so you, the champ, will play for the champion team.
Owen: Oh that's great! Where's the contract?
Mr Samm: What number would you like?
Owen: (emphatically) 69! 69!
Reporter: (confused) Err, why so big?
(Mic Man whispered something into Mr Reporter's ears)
Reporter: Ohh I see I see. Go ahead. Here's the contract papers Mr Samm.

After the signing ceremony, the crew, Owen and Mr Samm sped along the TPE to Tampenis Stadium, Owen's new homeground.

Owen: Why nobody is waving back when I'm waving at them? Don't they recognize me?
Owen: (shouting out of the window of the Hyundai at a group of Bengs) Hey you remember that f***ing goal against Argentina? It's me, Michael Owen.
Ah Bengs: Siao!
Mr Samm: It's ok Mikey, stop whining. I'll give you a dildo to play with. Here.


Owen looks like a happy kid all over again. The smile is back on his face.


Krring Krring. It's Owen's Semens mobile.
Owen: ....yeah Sven.... what tonight?..... no can't do... you're alone.....i'm really busy....Singapore has the best dildos in town by the way....i'll get one for you too before the Wales match....sorry hun.....Becks is free tonight, he can do you....


F.artMed believes today's assignment has been successful. As a result, Mr Reporter will get a pay rise, a seat in the Director's Box at Tampenis Stadium. Mic Man will get the weekend off to visit Geylang. Til next time.

JCs & Malays. They Don't Mix?

F.artMed did our own research and discovered that huge difference in racial representation at the JC level. Thus, we sent our team to a premiere school in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio district to find out their views. Here's what we found:






Reporter: Hi Guys, don't mind for an interview?
Arabs: Ya Hababi, i mean Ya Habibi. Ahlan Wasahlan. I tell you, velcome, velcome to our premiere school.
Reporter: Thanks, comments guys, what do you thi...
White Scarf: Vait a minute! How do you know that ve are guys? How you see through this veil Mr Reporter?
Reporter: (peering beneath the canteen table) Hairy legs.
White Scarf: Oops. You are right. I am male. But good guess anyway.
Reporter: As I was saying, what do you think is the reason for Malays to be so poorly represented in JCs?
Black Scarf: Don't even ask. I am still saddened by the death of our great King Fahd.
Reporter: Ooh who is that? Sounds like my company.
Black Scarf: How dare you insult zhis greatest king! How am I going to go zthrough zhis Ramadhan like zhis!
Reporter: Sorry Mr..Mr.. ah nevermind. So the reason is?
Red Scarf: Munnjens*. The stinking munjens. How else you think they are so vell-represented? I tell you, if not for my A Levels, I vould have started planning bombs I tell you.
Reporter: That would be too drastic, wouldn't it? I'm sure that's not the only reason.

(Meanwhile a hot office lady walks past the canteen table and there was a tremendous flutter in the lower abdomen region of the robes of these Arabs, with rapid synchronised chanting of Marha!Marha!)

Reporter: So what are other reasons?
Black Scarf: I zthink Malays are sloth! Lazy and cannot be bothered about zhis exams. In Arabia, we would get circumsized again if we fail zhis exams.
Reporter: My lord! Good heavens.
Red Scarf: Yes, Mr Reporter, stop stating the obvious. Heaven is of course good. But you can't go there, zhe heavens, can't even get a smell of it. You're not circumsized!
Reporter: But I am.
White Scarf: But zhere is no proof!
Reporter: (taking out his wallet) Here, my foreskin.
Red Scarf: Ah, my father can get you certified Halal.
White Scarf: You see, we study study study then pray pray pray to zhe Almighty. So, you get that extra luck.
Reporter: Oooh I see. Better remember to pray during church and stop looking at chio bu.
Black Scarf: Oh poor Mr Reporter, you can't pray in zhis school though. You see, zhis group of sahabats* we tried very very hard to get our principal to give us a room to pray. Sadly, our requests were turned down.
Reporter: Then what happened?
Red Scarf: We really tried very hard. Turned to many zifferent zifferent teachers. But nothing. So we know if we were to jihad, we would get caught and no more A Levels. So, we prayed in corners, outside zhe toilets...you know...
Reporter: Back to the question. How are we going to improve the turnover rate then? Getting more Malays into JCs...
White Scarf: We can't allow zhis bookshop to sell cigarettes. So option number 1, out.

(Suddenly a sudden pungent smell wafted across the table as a few white boys walked past our table, uniforms in disarray, then a sudden smell of mint mixed with deo)

White Scarf: The other option is to make the entrance exam easier.
Reporter: Oh, how so? You mean allowing people with a raw score of 21 points and above to enter?
Black Scarf: No you fool! Let zhem take zheir specialist subjects.
Red Scarf: Yes. 1) Football. 2) Minah. 3)Motorcycle. 4) Food. 5) Relacking one corner.
Reporter: Oh my gosh. Those aren't subjects!
Red Scarf: Oh yes, MOEdu now vants us to be "Zhinking schools, learning nation". Ve took chemistry and biology, with zhe Special paper in biochemistry vwarfare.
Mic Man: Boss, simi lan cheow. I kena mosquito bite already. Boss hurry leh. The New Paper say here got dengue wait I kena how?
Reporter: It seems to me that none of your solutions can work. Really. So there is no hope for Malays?
White Scarf: But zhere's still hope.
Reporter: How?
White Scarf: Like ZHIS! URGH!(shoving his hairy Arab palm into the Reporter's crotch, he started tingling sensations to cause arousal.)
Red Scarf: YA HOSSAM! WAH AL HASOD AFNMNA ASNMCC MIAD (exotic arab lingo, can't find translation)

A few minutes later, at the sick bay while receiving treatment,

Reporter: (half stuttering) Guys, one last question, h-how do you become inconspicuous dressing l-like that? Mic Man: Boss enough question leh. I very tired hor. One hand must hold this mic. The other hand now I must hold your "mic", you think your mic smell very nice ah. Reporter: Shut up. Finishing already la, stop complaining or I'll tell Upstairs Boss you went to Geylang again. Mic Man: Wah CCB. Lan Cheow hurry up la. Red Scarf: Ve don't. Ve embrace Islam. Ve cover al-aurat*! Girls in Islam, ve shall see more tudungs* next year even in school. Do you understand me? Reporter: Errr, I'm not quite sure I do. White Scarf: Let me make you undersztand vhite boy. See zhis finger. Let me shove it up your ass! F.artMed concluded that the interview had not been succesful in finding out the real causes for disparate representation of races. So, til the time Mr Reporter recovers, F.artMed will continue our unflinching research toward the betterment of society. Index sahabat - friend aurat - the portion of the body that requires cover according to Islamic rule tudung - headscarf, but a bit different from the one in the insert munjen - chinese

An Interview with a young couple.

Worried about a recent startling statistic exposed during the NDP Rally, the news arm of Fairuz Art Media (F.artMed) went around Tampines (duh) to delve deeper into this social concern. 18% of Malay marriages that took place last year alone involved brides under the age of 21. Compare that to the Indians (9%) and Chinese(3%), we see why our community is constantly lagging in society. It's a tremendously vicious cycle. Most married out of wedlock, "to hide the shame" of teenage pregnancy. Who asked you to have pre-marital sex? Or even worse, forget to put on the sheath? This brings a friend of Peiqian to mind, who said, "You rub rub rub, sure got friction. I wear also no use." To laugh, or to cry? Ahhh, let's hear it from this Malay couple, who had decided to get married at the tender age of 18 2 years ago and now, they say they want to start a happy family together. They declined be named. Reporter:Assalamualaikum*. Aminah (not her real name, more affectionately known as Minah): Apa tu? What in the world is ass-lala-masala-lalalakum? (stops breastfeeding her third kid, still a baby, took a napkin to wipe something off her chest). Oh anyway, how are you? Reporter: Oh i'm fine thank you. Really would like to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. Bob (gang name, cannot give real name if not teacher will know): Alah no problem beb. Wa caya sama lu. Anyway, what you want to know sia? (takes out a pack of Marlboro) Eh Mr Reporter, you got lighter not? Don't mind ah, I need to detox la. Reporter: Sure sure go ahead. Okay, firstly, why did you get married so young? Minah: Oh because he's so hemsem* and we really fell in love. Love at first sight la (UWAAAA!!! the baby started crying) Also, because you know one day,.... (Minah & Bob looked at each other, something not about right).... Reporter: Is there something wrong? Bob: Oh no no. Look, the real reason we sangkut* is because you know we... we...apa tu Minah... Reporter: Had intercourse? Minah: No la, Bob not very smart, cannot even go poly, how to take course? We had sex la. Reporter: How did this happen? Minah: I told him la that Friday afternoon, go for Friday Prayers la. Why so degil* don't want? Then this Bob, 1255pm already, Ghufran (the mosque in Tampines) almost full already can see from our flat somemore. But he went downstairs for a while. I thought he went for prayers la. Reporter: Then? Minah: Wah when I talk about sex you very interested ah. Bob: Actually I went downstairs to buy beer la. At home, supply finish. I bought a six-can pack. Should have bought lighter also then no need borrow from you. So i went up and made Minah drunk. She's good man, only after 4 cans then she cannot take it. So i took off her school uniform and started playing hero. Reporter: Did your parents know at all about the relationsip? Minah: Both my parents are dead. (her face contorted, as if trying very hard to cry, but after 2 minutes, still no tears). Bob: They don't know la of course. But my mak* very fed up with my bapak*. Of course la, he every weekend also go Batam, each week different woman he tell me. He says going to Batam is like eating takeaway, once you are done you throw away. So my mak and bapak bo chap about me. Reporter: Hey stop touching my balls you gondol*! Oops, sorry that was not recorded right? Mic Man: No la KNN hurry up i can't hold this mic anymore, I need to pee. Reporter: Okay, we're running short of time, I need to piss also because your Mini Mat* here keep touching my balls. So briefly, please, any advice for teenagers out there? Minah: Okay, number 1 eh, must always find a job. For me, once I trim down a bit more with my jamu*, then I will go back to my job. Reporter: Which is... Minah: S-League Cheerleader. Go Geylang! Eagles soar high high hii-i-i-i-i-ii-i-igh! (breaks into a cheerleading routine, accidentally dropping her baby to the floor). Bob: For myself, I vow to quit smoking and find a stable income. I am an S-League footballer. Paya Lebar Punggol. Nowadays very bad ah, every game kena hentam*. But you wait Alam Shah, I show you whose balls are bigger okay. Reporter: Aaahh, life is not so gloomy after all. Eh (sniff-sniff), what's that smell?! Mic Man: Boss sorry boss I really cannot tahan anymore!!! I accidentally ngompol*. F.artMed spent the next half an hour cleaning up the puddle before retiring the day with Solat Duha at Ghufran. Index: Assalamualaikum - peace be upon you. beb - babe, friend wa caya sama lu - i trust you sangkut - got attached apa tu/apa itu - what's that degil - stubborn mak - mother bapak - father gondol - botak boy mini mat - small malay boy (not econ) jamu - traditional Malay herbs kena hentam - receive a whacking ngompol - to pee in bed, but can apply also la

travis sang 'flowers in the window'. here's 2S03B's flowers in the window, all bright and young and awaiting the blooming season. watch out world, here we come!

ok i have something to write actually. "Selling alcohol to Muslims doesn't sound like a smart proposition. Never mind beer granules. Yet Gerhard Kamil, 45, is taking aim at the 53 million-gallon Middle Eastern malt-beverage market with a new product: malt granules that become a foaming, non-alcoholic beer by adding water. The Bavarian brewer is wooing soft-drink bottlers from Iraq to Indonesia with his "PlatoTec" process, which makes tiny, layered granules of malt at about $2 per lb. Tapping the non-alcoholic halal-beer and flavoured-malt-drink market positions GranMalt against Heineken's Fayrouz in Egypt and Carlsberg's Moussy in Saudi Arabia. But as consumption grows an estimated 6% annually over the next 5 years, exporting GranMalt gives Arab brewers an alternative to importing bottled beer or building a brewery, which is often met with political and cultural obstacles. Being nonalcoholic, it is not subject to the heavy tariffs of Muslim countries that allow imported alcohol, says Kamil." from Time Magazine September Bonus Issue. the headline of it says: Halal Beer? In the Bag. i wonder if this news makes all Muslim drinkers jump for joy. i think Muslims who drink should burn in hell. toodles~

i have nothing to write or talk about.

must visit!

an excerpt from www.rockson.blogspot.com "I want to throw my beer at his laughing cheebye face already and then he said, anyway, actually the President is really choose by us. Really. I dowan to waste my beer, so I drink it and say why you say that? Raymond said, See ah, ok, who choose the president one? I said, Selecting President Society! Then Raymond said, Who choose the Selecting President Society one? I said, Gahmen lah, cheebye! Then Raymond said, Who choose the Gahmen one?I look at him and stone for a while.Then Raymond laugh and said, Ahhhhhhh, we fuckers lor. So we elected the President lah! Hahahahaha!!!! I want to punch his arm liao but I forgot because behind him got one chio bu walk pass, wearing the front low low top, low until can see two half of her goodies and almost see her stomach liao. People is V neck, she is U neck, hahahahahaha!!! See already my horse sedia. And I later go to toilet to pee also damn toolan, keep shooting the wall and the sky. We are like this, see goodies liao will steam damn fast and forget our angry even faster." a truly hillarious masterpiece by a legendary ah beng called rockson takumi tan. hav a look~

clearly pancit

testimonial match. fun to finally get to play again. but gosh, need to run more to cut down on fat belly

matin ronald adzfar and me in the crib

racial harmony day 2005

whazzup

okay. what's up with the weather? it gets really warm then suddenly it looks like a scene from war of the worlds! I think my theory is right. this theory that i've had since sec 3. but no one ever believes in it. shall not disclose my theory here, coz i don't want to add to that list of non-believers. i just finished doing my self-evaluation, i want to pass it to miss jasmine tan tomorrow, hopefully i would get a flying testimonial. haha. i must must must cover as many topics per day. prelims is really here. so tata~

talibane

taliban act. this is not me. this is somebody else in school. but on racial harmony day this year, this was somewhat what we were wearing.

i luv sin city

here's why sin city is a treat: jessica alba. her character is so sweet, but it's a little twisted. she keeps writing to the man (bruce willis) who, while being imprisoned for saving her life, was on the verge of completely breaking down. she loves him, and that's a little twisted. anyway, sin city rocks.

swimgym

how come malays can't swim well? weren't we the initial orang lauts? what happened to the selection pressure? i for one can't swim well. me iylia adz and jau had a simple swimming good fun at kopi's house, who joined us after his match. haha. i basically died. can't swim for nuts. need to work it man. and another thing, i haven't been pumping. last session was way back on tuesday. oh man, my vp2 needs to be worked on. time to get a killer bod. tomorrow i shall spare a little time off sleep to work out. just a good compact session. shoulders, back and possibly arms as well. if not happy, then maybe i should swim too. that sounds like a good plan. revision is in semi swing. which means i need to pull up my socks a lot more. yup. a case of literal translation teacher: your marks are good ah beng. keep it up! what about you mat? mat: simpan kat atas? simpan apa seh... teacher: you failed, again, mat. you need to pull up your socks. mat: naikkan stokin? huh? teacher: oh god! you're such a simpleton! mat: mudah pusing? simple turn? what talking you 'cher? teacher: @#%^&* i can't get the hang of normal distribution. the tutorial is skewed man, like some of the answers i got are like the complement of the answers stated. haiya ntuc woman, you sure your answer printed is correct? oh god matin loves calling her ntuc woman. my cousin getting married next weekend in kl. and my whole family is going. yay, a nice weekend break, plus maybe a little shopping escapade plus dips in the pool and gym. whoosh swoosh! tata~

sitiarabiabods

while maghrib is not yet here, i should type a little entry. a little entry about what has happened during the past week or so. coz i haven't been updating laa. highlight of the week? i have 2. no make that 3. 1. siti nurhaliza concert at the indoor stadium. poweful voice, doing the highs and lows all in sync with little sexy dance steps and really coming across as a genuinely sincere artiste. And a really beautiful person to top if off. superb. it was quite last minute for me coz initially only my parents were going coz they got 2 free tickets from my aunty. last minute, my aunty had more free tickets and i got one. haha. that would have been $140 if i had to fork out my own cash. i think i wanna marry siti nurhaliza. she's only 26, so i think can la. can right? can la... 2. arabian uniform on racial harmony day, matin adzfar and myself converted ourselves into arabs. complete with igals. really noone else was wearing anything close to what we had. i wonder who have our photos. it was hillarious hearing stories of how some j1 who were in the same toilet as us, ran out into the lt and told his friends he saw terrorists in the toilet. 3. new trunks just so hot i tell you

i need to study. first, maghrib now. tata~

summer must-haves

gucci aviators and suede-leather loafers

sunday times

reading today's sunday times, the back page where they were showing that retro is in fashion these days, i have to agree with that guy who said that "today's designers are merely stylists" because it is true that the heady days of distinct fashion creations are behind us, the yesteryears. most of the so-called designers of today are mixing and matching what have already been designed in the past to make clothes that fit the present generation. truth be told, there is really nothing new about today's fashion. they have all been abstracted and modified, from the metal studded belts of punk rock groups to the hippie tree-huggers, today's fashion is mish-mash of yesterday's. and these things are fetching high prices too. don't you ever think that dated means cheap. dated is not outdated, as the prices will testify. maybe the teens of today just wanna try out what their parents used to wear in the past. boho chick? punk rock star? indie tees? you choose. clothing stores are peculiar i must say. when does 10% off already overpriced clothes equate to a great singapore sale? prices are ridiculous and simply not worth it (doesn't matter if the polo has a little horse on the left chest or not). the gss does not make their clothes more affordable. skyhigh prices for just a piece of cloth? only for rich arab sheikhs, whose pocket is as deep as their oil wells back home in arabia. last week's sunday times say: man + girl = mirl someone who is not gay but is completely in harmony with his feminine side. woohoo. not the average metrosexual, which is so passe. now, here's a look at one of summer must-haves. for singapore, this applies thruout the year. gucci aviator shades! for guys only. bring out the mirl in you.

accomplished

today i felt quite accomplished. for one, i haven't done any gym session since last saturday. so getting back the hang of things at the gym was a huge plus. plus the fact the vp2 has just arrived by singpost yesterday. it's not bad you know, this singpost delivery thing. it's only $3 more for delivery right to your doorstep. compared to self-collecting at braddell mrt, i think this is just more convenient (unless of course, you live in braddell or thereabout). the other thing that made me feel so accomplished was doing chem s term paper. that paper was really horribly overdue. it was meant for submission in term 2, but was extended to today. the thing was, me and my partner, rudy, were too forgetful that we only knew we had to do this paper on thursday. so being given only 1 day to complete this paper, on malonic ester synthesis (it's easy, just 4 steps: enolate anion formation by acid-base reaction, alkylation by an R-X, acidic hydrolysis and lastly decarboxylation), i tried asking for extension til monday. so today since we had this little bit of time after gym, we sat down to complete the paper in about 1.5 hours. wah the sensation of completing this task was immense i tell you. haha. hope it turns out alright. and i actually just came back from supper at a.b.mohamed restaurant in little india. egg prata and minute maid lemonade. now the stomach's satisfied and i can sleep peacefully. haha goodnite and tata~

sharapeeeeee

maria sharapova. russian blonde bombshell. last year's Wimbledon champ, semi-finalist this year. millionaire. model (sometimes). and best of all, 18. dude, that's like my age too. and she has done so many more things than me at her age. ahhh...what dreams are made of... anyway, i figured that if in any way, pork (or babi) is halal, can you imagine the kind of dishes we will have? this is a list of what the malay menu will look like: 1. sambal tumis babi 2. satay babi 3. kuah lemak babi 4. rendang babi 5. sup bontot babi 6. epok-epok kari babi 7. babi masak kicap and many more la. eee so disgusting. how disgusting is this? maria sharapova and babi in the same entry. and i think rafflesians just dominated the pool scene this year. except for 'b'div boys. but the rest, i think it's a clean sweep. funny how we only caught the relays when we arrived this year. but bacillus thuringiensis saved the day for rjc 4by50m relay boys. yay to him, he's going to sea games what. time to have dinner now, gonna order the good stuff later. tata~

so clever

when in bio we were discussing about genotypes and phenotypes, going through the common test and all. and during today's lesson, it was pretty hillarious. thanks to aisyah! and adzfar. 1. a case of being clever but not correct ms chua: ok aisyah, what do you get when you cross the 2 parents, one of genotype Bb and the other Bb? aisyah: bee bee (without specifying whether the 'b' is capital 'b' or small 'b') class: (burst out laughing) changwen: hahahahaha my lanjiao also know it's bee bee. 2. a case of being too clever and still not correct. adz: oh mat, see la so easy, i never study this topic also i get correct answer. i just eliminated option a and c, coz both are negative. so the answer i guess must be 'd' la, sex-linked. me: no mat, the answer is 'b' adz: huh? me: you copied the answer wrongly from the board. your guess was wrong. (no manjen scholar to look at presumably!) TATA Box is some initiator sequence for DNA replication. Watson and Crick video was quite amusing. and tata~

gym, walkabouts, relax

boys day out. superbly interesting. a really short (but good) gym session. a really long walkabout in town. really frenetic how we browsed thru sale after sale after sale. without buying a thing. but, oh but, i have finally found something that fits the bill. i had wanted a dress bag for quite some time. today, i finally found it. it's on 30% discount and i'm just waiting to get my allowance before i purchase it, Insyallah. actually, only me and adzfar were on boys day out. the rest, haha all kinds of reason. izzat, he pumped earlier so he can go out with his minah (sorry aisyah!). rudy, he had to stay home to watch after the contractors fixing his window. hafiz, he couldn't get parental consent. iylia, he's still recovering. jau, he was supposed to go to jakarta, only for the mishap for he couldn't jump off the waiting list. so that left me and adz only. haha but we had fun. i've whittled down what success/ambition is usually targetted towards, though not always true. they are: 1. education 2. money 3. love (this is not mine, but adzfar's opinion) whatever if it that you have in mind, that you are dreaming about, that you are hoping one day will be yours, i believe whatever that thing is, it had got to do with either of the 3 things mentioned above. that is just the psyche of the human mind and feelings i supposed. i think it applies to most youngsters of today, those of us who are very fortunate to be living in a peaceful and prosperous country like singapore. without education, i cannot see how one can really make it big in the future. how do you secure the future without the educational backgrounding? and money? money is the dynamo that spins the world. 'nuff said. the black eyed peas ask "where is the love?" and you know that love is something people don't show to each other often enough, or sincerely enough. these things are probably the main things that concern you right now, as they do to me, so i suppose it's going to be handy if you keep these things in mind in whatever decisions you have to make. and i hear of rugby having a testimonial match the tueday after next. guess what? can't wait... and soccer will have our testimonial too, hopefully this week. aye can you imagine, having not run since the semis, which was like 2 months ago. oklah we had the 3/4th place off but i was basically walking that match. aye, fitness fitness fitness... university stuff is kinda freaking me out a little. but i'm going to be very optimistic. anyway, i have the A levels to worry about first. yep! time to read up what kind of courses i can see myself doing in uni. tata~

picking up the pieces

picking up the pieces. a blast. massive destruction. ultimate sucker punch. below the belt. rumble tumble. chaos and trouble. calm after the storm? haven't seen it yet. hear this and that. and sunny seems to be the weather elsewhere. super bright and nice. fine and dandy. silky smooth. clear path ahead. what if i throw in a spanner in the works? and to my mat brother, iylia... goodness it was a sad sight watching you all alone in the hospital bed that day. really. being struck by dengue fever is no joke. no appetite, no energy, no feeling in your body i suppose if you can't really eat. really relieved that he got discharged after like 2 days only in hospital. can you imagine the anguish? no tv, no internet. he will die faster of boredom than of what, dengue? good thing though that he's out already. time to recover, then we can all study and pump. insyaAllah mat. time to check on vp2. and FCUK sale is now on at Tangs til july 17. hurry y'all...

youths like us

some kind of youths we are. i think what my mat brothers and i were discussing today was true. it sounds true, sounds applicable to almost all the youths out there. do you feel that your life as a teenager revolves around basically school and probably nothing else? and what do you do when you don't have school (as in on days that there's no school, like holidays, etc)? either you stay at home (and complain how bored you are!) or most probably you go out and have some fun, maybe relax and chill with friends. if we stop and think for a second, the money we spend is not really ours. it's our parents'. have we ever deserved to be that wasteful? what did we ever do to deserve to spend our parents' money on clothes, movies, shoes, bags, food! it's not like there's no food at home. somehow being wasteful just does not seem good. our parents really work so hard and give you some allowance only for you to spend it like that? i think that shopping most of the time arises due to wants, not needs. heard of the slogan "shop til you fly" during the great singapore sale? no kidding. i don't think it makes sense. the only time when you'll fly is when you are already earning your own money. it's not so easy to part with cash when you know it's your own cash. it's what you've earned. i think being thrifty is so much more advantageous. an example? mr mohd salleh marican, the second chance owner. read the article on him in last week's berita minggu. only if i become like him (or better), then will i subscribe to the "shop til you fly" slogan. because then, "fly" will be the high you get when you manage your own money so that it grows. to dear adzfar, who asked you to play football never call me? poor boy, sprained his ankle. get well soon. the mats are very very nice people. they went all the way to gombak stadium to pump today because i woke up late. it's nice to finally get back on track in the gym as well. need new protein powder though. adzfar hurry with the orders. the mats came my house and had lunch. that's much better than spending money outside. that's a good start for you jau, izzat and rudy. The Good Man says save money.

common test is done

batman begins. batman is not my favourite superhero but i really enjoyed the show. omg i just love it when he was just starting out as batman. he was like a man on a mission. i really like watching this kind of thing, gives me inspiration. like how he started work at the applied science department at wayne enterprise. how he created his own batcave. and started modifying his own gadgets. i think it's just hot when guys can do everything on their own. that's just hot. ahhh if only i could do the same... on a separate note, here are some common traits of a Brazilian boy. 1) you probably might have grown up in a slum (see how fortunate you are you singaporeans!) 2) you probably played football using anything but a rubber ball 3) you are spotted by a local club and sign a semi-pro deal 4) your talent is spotted by a top european club and you are on your way to become a millionaire to cut to the chase, check this video of this super talented boy out: http://www.jean-carlos-chera.com/

Batman says it's not who i am underneath that matters, but it's what i do that defines me.
(or sth like that)

Tata

all sewn up

we had chem today. we had chem today. we had chem today. couldn't finish the last 2 parts, coz i took quite long on the sheep question. ugh. maybe chem bukan cawan teh aku! oh my. it's quite alright i think, but i don't think i'll be able to reach my target. hmmm. it may seem all fine and dandy but no. the aftermath is hidden behind all these facades. the truth will be told next week i'm sure, as all the teachers will be hard at work over the weekend to mark all our papers. it's gonna be exciting, yes i'm sure. so, let us all take a hiatus from all the muggerdogging and cramming and give ourselves some room from our books. they, too need a break. like a few of my frineds, who have gone swimming and tanning right now. that's the right step. for those with some cash to spare, ZARA is having a SALE till the 3rd of july. Hurry! the five most-spoken languages in the world are english, chinese (or mandarin i suppose), french, german and arabic. i'm good in english, alright in french. really a beginner in arabic. the other two? i think i should try at least one after the A levels. oh my god. i cannot wait. it's gonna be fun learning language all over again, just like french last time. oh another language i wanna learn is the hand-signal-thingy for deaf people. why? emmm, so i can understand what the hell it means. God says the Quran is in arabic, go learn arabic.

back on track

my my. maths today was the most fun maths paper i've sat for since i entered JC, because for the first time, i manage to get back the hang of doing mathematical problems. i'd say today was a yay paper. not that i would get an A. that would be an astronomical leap from what i've been getting for maths this year. i still remember the tutorial which i never did, the probablity tutorial, it's still on that piece of brown wrapping paper. As in, i copied the tutorial on a piece of brown wrapping paper in a myriad of Zigg marker colours (thanks adz for the Zigg markers!). Mr Tay was actually shocked when he saw how colourful my tutorial was. Not that anything i copied down means i understood them. It was just copying for the sake of copying (yeah, you've probably done the same too!). That proves to be my own undoing coz today, i really didn't like the probablity, PnC, and all the funny stats questions. aye... on a lighter note, (i heard this on the train home today) if David is the son of Jane, then Jane is the _________ of David's mother? name! on another lighter note, i think it's weird to do literal translation. E.g: matin: Chongs... How was maths paper today? cl: Ugh... U know, maths is so not my cup of tea... adz: Ugh... so bukan aku punya cawan teh... On a heavier note, prelims is in 10 weeks time. God says if you fail to plan, then you're planning to fail.

suck physics suck

physics suck no way am i going to do better than what i got for my previous common test. i know why. coz all the time during season, when we had matches on monday, we skip like physics prac and tutorials. that means we only had physics lecture to learn from, which we sometimes missed too coz of thursday matches. erp. physics suck. God says GGXX! (oh no... maybe God is a manjen..! eeeeps)

ma me mo

mamle mamle mamle mo... ma me mo ahoy. NS Med Check Up takes a really long time. i wonder why they test us on IQ puzzles after the whole check up is done. to filter out the clever from the cleverer? hmmm. but each will have his role i'm sure. i was just thankful that i didn't have to take the blood test. because from past experience, it is very painful. they just took a small prick to confirm my blood is Aplus. 'A' seems like a very good letter this week (it's common test week some more!) coz after the doctor saw my dick and all (customary for this check up, don't worry, you'll get yours looked at too!) he gave me a PES A. eh, no more slacking in NS eh? we'll see. and the worst part was to sit down and shade the OTAS form about national education. of all things. eeee it isn't very fun. the IQ test was quite fun, i could answer all the questions within the stipulated time. but there wasn't the puzzle that chang wen got to do, the one about memorise a sequence of numbers. all in all, it was half a day gone and thus i think my physics will suffer. i have absolutely no confidence in physics at all. this is so bad. this is just alevel physics, what more s paper physics? sounds like i'm in desperate need of help. God says God will help others who help themselves. Tata.

jigg

impenjarament was like an impenjarament to me. i felt sufffocated at the start, coz i was trying very hard to understand what was going on (maybe i should go into prison to know what's up in there? NO! Crazy...). and the characters were kinda too large (not just physically), as in you see a lot of them yet you still don't know what they actually want. i couldn't find a real plot in the play. just some story-telling here and there. what was most impressive must be the set, never have i seen one like that before. the only drawback with the set was that the metal plates serving as "cement flooring" were too noisy when the actors stomped on them. i expected too much i suppose, silly. now back to reality. COMMON TESTS BEGIN TOMORROW. BIO FIRST. INSYALLAH lah eh mana tahu this time boleh buat betul-betul pasal dah belajar maybe dapat results baik eh... Doa-doakan lah aje eh... ok selamat to all. maaf zahir batin.

the prelude

I am watching Impenjarament this sat evening. Yay... I think it's the perfect prelude to common tests. With sheesha, then it'll be perfect. Ayye, maybe sheesha can wait. In about one week's time, I will be taking common tests as well as going for the NS medical check up. After quite a number of my close friends who went for it, it seems like there's already a pattern emerging for this medical check-up. Not that i want to speculate too much, but it seems that my manjen friends got PES A (physical exercise status A) while my mat friends who are equally if not fitter than them, only managed a PES B. What does it take to get PES A man? Is it no "bin"s in your name? Gosh, why am I so racist? I better control myself. This entry is meant to be taken light heartedly, of course. Please don't sue me.

Anyway,
here's a shoutout to my good friend, Adzfar, who just turned legal early this month, with his own blog. Mine looks and sounds insipid compared to his. Everybody say aye.....A little advertisement here certainly wouldn't hurt.

http://lemonypeaches.blogs.friendster.com/say_aye/

IMPENJARAMENT

Impenjarament (Imprisonment) A world premiere by Teater Ekamatra Written & Directed by Aidli 'Alin' Mosbit Choreography by Gani Music by Zubir Abdullah Performance by M Saffri A Manaf, Muhd Kunju Noushad (India), Muhammad Najib Soiman (bijaN), Mohd Hatta Sulaiman, Noor Effendy Ibrahim, Paulus Simangunsong (Indonesia), Peter Sau and Sulaiman Ismail Batri Set in a prison cell of closed-circuit cameras, Impenjarament offers an insight into prison culture, examining the masculinity, machismo and eroticism of the Malay psyche. Confined in prison, eight men each with a dark past contemplate a potentially darker future. As they try to salvage what little dignity they have left, the notion of personal freedom is turned on its head. Directed by Malay woman playwright and director, Aidli 'Alin' Mosbit, with choreography by Gani and music by Zubir Abdullah, Impenjarament, a devised ensemble performance, presents a physical and multi-lingual theatrical piece to deliver an unlikely message of hope and kindness. 23-25 June, 8pm Matinee on 25 June, 3pm Esplanade Theatre Studio $28.00 (free seating) 90 mins (no intermission) Performed in multi-languages with English surtitles. Post-show dialogue with Aidli 'Alin' Mosbit on 25 June (Matinee) Impenjarament contains some scenes with strong language and adult themes not suitable for children. For more information, please contact us at tel: 6323 5443 or email sayasukaawak@yahoo.com Impenjarament is a commission of the Singapore Arts Festival 2005.

4S Programme

TIME TO START STUDYING!

hello taggers!

Hello taggers! Ther: Oh my u should have come! Evonne saw it and i think she enjoyed it. And thanks ther! Z:I still dunno who u are. Naughty fella. Dwidarma is called dwidarma because firstly, we put up 2 plays, and dwidarma is intended to tell people that there are 2 plays (dwidrama). And also, it means dual responsibilities, because both plays involve characters having to deal with dual responsibilities, like the Pegawai's responsibility towards his community and then towards his family. In Mayat, the responsibility is between doing the right thing and saving oneself from the mess. So i hope Dwidarma makes you happy... so?: thanks so much for coming yesterday! hope you had fun... :) Thanks so much to all the cast and supporting crew for making Dwidarma a success. Though it wasn't a sellout, nevertheless, I think everyone who came saw and learnt something. Do I hear encore?

DWIDARMA is coming to town!

Everyone who happens to be reading this, it's not too late to purchase a DWIDARMA ticket. Just make sure that you set your alarm at 6pm, so that you can wake up on time to go to RJC tomorrow and reach there by 7plus pm. If you haven't bought tickets (which obviously you should have already done by now!) then just buy over the counter at the door. Oh! Don't come alone! Bring your entire family and all your friends too! The more the merrier! We are showing a family show anyway. So bring spare cash, so you can freely spend on tickets. Also, not to worry, we are preparing special prayer rooms for you. Don't have to ambil wuduk from home, there are washing areas nearby. Also, this show won't end extremely late, by ten it's all over hopefully, and you can all go to Adam Road by either 156, 93 or 157 and have a family supper! Woah how exciting. What else, sleep now la, wake up early and tell the rest about this tomorrow. And make sure, cancel all plans to do anything else but just come for DWIDARMA!